More of the Guys
by SorceressCirce
Summary: These are outtakes and chapters that accompany my story, "Just One of the Guys." They may include back stories, different points of view, and the like.
1. That Night

**A/N:** This outtake contains spoilers for "Just One of the Guys." If you have not read chapter 9 of that story yet, you probably don't want to read this :). Also, it contains graphic material and mentions of underage drinking, so if you are offended by either of those, stop now.

Oh, and I don't own anything you might recognize. Damn it all.

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**JPOV – Five Years Ago**

I glanced at the clock in the hotel room and realized it was just after 11:00 – Bella should be home from her date soon.

I stood up and stretched with my arms over my head. Lowering them with a groan, I heard a scuffle in the kitchen. I looked down at the guys sprawled out over the floor and the beds and laughed when I heard Jake mutter, "Fucking Paul," as he shook his head, his eyes focused on the TV screen while he raced Quil on _Burnout 2_.

Judging from the sound of things, Embry and Paul were fighting over the last Mountain Dew. Embry's normally calm voice threatened, "I fucking swear, Paul…" before it was cut off abruptly. I just shook my head and laughed again. It was nothing new. Paul was going to end up in prison some day if he didn't get his temper under control.

"Heading out already?" Jake asked, finally looking up as he beat Quil, which resulted in much cursing and some money changing hands.

I nodded. "Yeah, Bells should be home soon. I want to be there when she gets back to see how her date went."

Jacob frowned, and I barely kept myself from rolling my eyes. He had not been happy when I'd shown up without her tonight. The kid had had it bad for her since he was in sixth grade and we were in eighth. The only one who seemed oblivious to this fact was Bella.

He was a little apprehensive, too, that Bella was dating again. In truth, we all were. It was a good thing, and definitely a necessary step, but I didn't think anything would be able to stop us if she got hurt. Looking around at the size of our guys, I realized it would be one dead motherfucker who hurt our Bella. They grew 'em big on the Quileute reservation.

The guys were in Seattle for a few days, visiting us. We'd all had a hard time adjusting to Bella and I moving away for college, and the two of us went home every chance we got. We'd been in Forks for Thanksgiving, so the guys had decided to come up for a few days at the beginning of Christmas break before all the family stuff took up all our time. Felix, who was a year older than Bella and me, had had to rent the hotel rooms for them because they were mostly all still in high school. He was currently passed out on one of the king sized beds, taking up most of it. That fucker is _huge_.

"You guys are coming over tomorrow afternoon, right? Bella's got something big planned for us," I said as I grinned.

"Yup," Jake answered, "she said to be there at two – which means you need to finish your character, dumbass." Jacob nudged Jared's knee with his foot. Jared waved absently, not bothering to look up from the laptop screen. He had the goofiest grin on his face. He was chatting with Kim. _Again_.

I grinned at Jake's frustration. Other than Bella, he'd never really been interested in a girl, and he had a hard time understanding the way Jared was completely absorbed with Kim.

I made my way around the room, telling everyone goodbye and that we'd see them tomorrow. I stuck my head in the kitchen to find that Embry now had Paul in a headlock. I laughed at them and waved before I headed out to my car.

It was cold and rainy – no fucking surprise there. I watched my breath freeze into mist as I walked, my hands stuffed in the pockets of my coat and my shoulders hunched. As I walked, I thought.

I was still shocked that Bella was actually dating again. It had been two long, very rough years. At least she didn't scream in her sleep every night now.

_Only every other night_.

I frowned at the bitterness in that thought.

As I pulled up to our apartment, I noticed all the lights were blazing, and I realized Bella had gotten home a little early. For some reason, an icy feeling was beginning to build in my gut, though I could find no real source for it.

I walked in the front door calling, "Bells?"

Her voice answered me flatly from the direction of the living room, "Who else?"

The icy feeling grew and spread.

I hung up my coat, furrowing my brow before making my way to the kitchen to grab a drink. My frown deepened when I saw the open bottle of vodka sitting on the counter beside a half-empty container of orange juice.

_Fuck._

I made my way slowly to the living room, hoping like hell that my suspicions weren't right. When I got there, Bella was sitting in a small ball on the floor in front of the couch, an Xbox controller in her hand and _Capcom vs. SNK 2_ on the screen.

I tried to keep my voice cheerful and light as I asked, "So what are you doing home so early, Miss Swan?"

My attempt didn't work. She answered again, just as flatly, "I broke up with Mike."

I waited, not sure what to say.

"Well, more accurately, I fucking decked him and took a cab home, but I think my intent was clear." Her eyes were still on her game. I hated the deadness in those eyes. Anger, hatred, disgust…anything would be better than this…_nothing_.

Rage flared within me, turning the world red as a film covered my eyes. My voice was steel when I hissed, "Did he fucking hurt you?"

Bella finally looked away from the screen, and a tiny spark of life flickered in her eyes. She looked at me for a long moment, and then her face crumpled and her shoulders shook. She dropped her controller and wrapped her arms around her legs, burying her face in her knees as she shook her head.

Her muffled voice quivered, "I didn't give him the chance."

Swiftly, I moved to her side, pulling her up on the couch and wrapping my arms around her. She said nothing more, simply putting her head on my shoulder. She wasn't sobbing. She was just silently crying, her tears soaking through my shirt and running down my chest. I held her as she cried for an immeasurable amount of time before I felt her lift her head.

She looked at me, her dark brown eyes filled with pain, and I wanted to hit something. Anything. _Anyone_.

The voice in my head that kept up a constant, muted rant at the asshole that had broken her burst through, filling my head with barely-formed curses. _Fucking monster. Should've fucking killed him. Can't believe he's alive. Goddamn smirking bastard._ With a concentrated effort, I shoved the voice back, trying to focus on the hurting girl beside me.

I gently caressed her cheek with my thumb. "Bells? What happened, honey?"

She bit her bottom lip and looked down, a single sob shaking her shoulders. After she gained control of herself, she looked back up, and now there was hatred in her eyes – only it was directed internally.

"Nothing. Not a fucking thing. Exactly what I expected to happen." Her face crumpled again, and her chin quivered, but she didn't cry.

I bit the inside of my cheek as I looked at her for a long moment, trying to find the right thing to say. It had been the longest two years of my life – years filled with nightmares, therapy, screaming, crying, and raging for Bella. And, consequently, for me. She had refused to date, refused to even talk to anyone but me and the guys, really. That had slowly gotten better, and she at least appeared to be healing outwardly. So when she had come home a few weeks ago and said she'd accepted a date with a guy in her class named Mike, I thought it was progress. And for a few weeks, it had been, but now…

"I'm not going to therapy anymore," Bella suddenly announced, interrupting my musings.

I frowned and looked up at her. "Why the fuck not?" It came out a little more harshly than I intended but, damn it, it had been hard enough to make her go in the first place.

Bella stared straight ahead as she spoke, her eyes unfocused. "She's done all she can, Jazz. I mean…I'm alright most of the time. I just can't be…physical…with anyone. It's not like I really was before anyway. It doesn't matter." She shrugged.

My heart broke a bit at her words and the look in her eyes. This was so fucking wrong. Bella was one of the most caring people I had ever met. The thought of her spending her life alone was unbearable.

This therapy conversation wasn't over, but obviously now wasn't the right time. So I pulled her back to me, guiding her head to my shoulder, and we sat in silence for a long time. Bella wasn't crying, but occasionally one of us would sigh. I absently stroked her arm, trying to sooth her. My thoughts were a jumbled mess, and I couldn't seem to hold on to one particular train long enough to reach any sort of conclusion. Eventually, I realized that I would have to know what, exactly, happened with Mike so that I would know how to help her…as much as I could, anyway.

Finally, I spoke as softly and gently as I could, "Bella, honey, what happened with Mike?"

I heard her draw a shaky breath as I felt her shoulders heave. She pulled away from me and slid to her end of the couch, drawing one of the throw pillows into her lap and hugging it to her chest. Her eyes were misty, and she bit her bottom lip, thinking for a moment before she began to speak.

"He…" she sighed before trying again. "Well, you know we've been dating for a few weeks…and he said…" she bit her bottom lip. "He said he _needed_ to kiss me." She made a face before inhaling shakily.

Finally, she looked up at me earnestly, and her words started pouring quickly. "God, Jasper, it sounded so good! I mean, just a kiss, right? It's been so fucking long. And I really thought I could handle it – just a kiss. So I nodded, and he came closer, and I saw him close his eyes, but it was like mine were fucking frozen open, so I watched the whole thing. And then his lips were on mine, and it was alright at first, maybe even a little bit nice. So I finally closed my eyes and then…" she trailed off, her jaw clenching while anger danced in her eyes.

I waited as she gritted her teeth, staring ahead, but she didn't speak again. "Then what, Bells?"

"Then I felt his hand moving up my side, and he…he touched me. And I tried to be okay with it, and then I fucking panicked and punched the shit out of him. There was blood everywhere. I screamed at him. I don't even know what I said. And then I left. I found a cab and came home." She shrugged, and the nonchalance in her face was such a fucking lie that I wanted to shake her.

Instead, I scooted closer to her and reached out, taking her hand. I rubbed my thumb across the back of her hand lightly, trying to ignore the anger burning in my chest. I had to remind myself that Mike didn't know her story…and he had actually been pretty patient, all things considered. I still wanted to fucking kill him. I sighed.

Bella's dark brown eyes peered up at me, and she bit her bottom lip, looking for all the world like a child waiting to be chastised. I frowned, furrowing my brow. "Bella, you did absolutely nothing wrong. Don't you dare be fucking ashamed for your reaction to what that asshole did."

Okay, so I was definitely pissed at him, patient or not. Motherfucker.

Her chin quivered before she steeled herself, and in a voice I could barely hear, she whispered, "Jazz, what if it's always like this for me? I can't stand it…I couldn't take him touching me."

"Bella, sweetheart, it wasn't _you_ at all. It was him. It's not touching that you have a problem with…" I reached out, gently caressing her cheek to prove my point. "It's fucking assholes you don't trust that you have a problem with. And that's a healthy problem to have."

She looked at me skeptically before shaking her head and looking down.

"Listen to me, Bells. You didn't trust him. You weren't comfortable around him. It's enough to make anyone nervous, and when you consider what you've been through…" I gently lifted her chin with my forefinger, forcing her to look up at me. "You are a beautiful, intelligent, funny, caring, awesome woman, and you game too – can't beat that shit." I grinned at her. "You will find someone who wants to give you the world, someone you can trust – and he'll be one lucky bastard if you want him in return."

Tears had started running slowly down her cheeks, and she gave me a tiny smile but didn't say anything more.

"What are you thinking, sweetheart?" I finally asked her.

"I'm thinking…" she began but then stopped, biting her bottom lip and looking down at the couch.

"What is it, Bells?" I asked softly.

Keeping her eyes focused on the sofa, she spoke so quietly, I almost couldn't hear her. "I'm thinking about that time we kissed when we were, like, twelve…do you remember?"

I grinned in response as the memory came flooding back to me. We'd been at Bella's house alone, and we were curious. We'd kissed briefly and later wondered what the fuss was all about. In truth, it had been much like kissing Rosalie would be.

"Yeah, I remember. What made you think of that?" My voice was amused, so I was a little confused at first when she blushed furiously and didn't look up.

And then I got it.

_Oh, fuck._

I couldn't find any words, so I was still sitting there, staring like an idiot when she finally looked up. After a long, silent moment, I asked, "Bella?"

She looked up at me through her lashes, and her expression was so heartbreakingly vulnerable that I gasped. _Well, shit…_

Thoughts were fluttering in my mind like hummingbirds, moving so quickly I couldn't begin to make sense of them. She can't want that. Can she? Could I even _do_ that? With Bella? How much worse would I make things if I couldn't…err…well, perform? What if I _could_ perform? What the fuck? With my best friend? What if she freaked out? What if _I_ freaked out?

As these thoughts were still racing through my mind, Bella's face crumpled and she pulled her knees to her chest, resting her forehead against them and hiding her face from me.

Even watching her that way, I was frozen in place. I had never failed to comfort her. _Ever_. And I couldn't make myself move right now. Too much. It was too much.

I'd never considered Bella that way. Okay, well, "never" might be a bit strong…but not since I was in the height of my horny teenage years, and not often then. Objectively, I knew she was beautiful. And she was the coolest girl I'd ever known, but…it just wasn't like that with us. We'd been through too much together, knew too much about each other. And that attraction wasn't there. I knew it wasn't on her side either.

Bella's shoulders shook as she took a deep breath before looking back up at me. "I have to know, Jasper…" she said simply. "Do…do you think you can…help me?"

I felt as if I'd been ripped in two. My heart was aching for her, wanting to do anything at all to help her. She was hurting so badly, and this was the first time in two years that she'd made the attempt to try anything like this. My brain, however, was screaming _Wrong! This is wrong!_

Still paralyzed, I watched as Bella began to move slowly toward me. Her hand reached out, taking mine, and my eyes were drawn to where we were joined.

_Wrong!_

Bella said my name, and my eyes traveled back up to her face. Her eyes were pleading with me, and I realized at once that if I told her no, I could possibly break her even further…and drive a wedge between us at the same time.

But if I _did_ do this…my mind reeled at the enormity of what that would entail. Bella was a virgin. Maybe not in the most literal sense of the word, but in every way that mattered. She was my best friend. She'd been broken so badly that she still screamed at night.

And she was asking me to make love to her.

_Fuck. Fucking hell. Fuck. Fuck. _My mind couldn't even form coherent curses.

I laced my fingers with hers, and I was startled to notice my hand was trembling. She smiled at me lightly and drew a shaky breath. Her eyes left mine, lighting on my lips as she tentatively licked her own.

_Wrong!_

Bella began to lean towards me, her eyes still wide.

_I'm going to hell. _I didn't know if I meant that I was going to hell because I was doing this…or because I wasn't. Either one seemed to apply.

I felt myself move toward Bella, lifting my free hand to gently cup her cheek. I stroked my thumb along her cheekbone and whispered, "Close your eyes, Bella."

Okay, apparently I was doing this. _Shit._

My only hope was to close my own eyes and try to forget that this was _Bella _while trying like hell to remember to be gentle with her. I leaned in closer, tilting my head as I used my hand to guide hers. The fragrance of freesia and strawberry was doing nothing to help me forget who I was about to kiss, and I reeled with the surreal quality the moment was taking on.

_Wrong!_

My lips met hers tenderly, and she sat utterly still, frozen. I waited, keeping our lips pressed together, until she tentatively pursed her lips, kissing me lightly. I almost smiled at her victory before I remembered what we were doing, and then I fought to keep the panic out of our kiss. This was utterly different from our twelve-year-old kiss of curiosity – this was intended to lead somewhere. Somewhere I really didn't want to go.

I inhaled through my nose and sighed without meaning to as my lips parted. I carefully deepened the kiss, using my lips to open Bella's slightly. She began responding, moving her lips gingerly against mine. She was still too tense, so I lightly ran my hand along her upper arm while the fingers of the hand cupping her cheek gently caressed her neck beneath her ear. Soon, she sighed softly, and now she was deepening the kiss.

_Wrong!_

It was all I could do to keep kissing her, as my mind revolted and told me to pull away _now_. I actually jumped when I felt the tip of Bella's tongue tentatively touch my lower lip, and I froze for a moment.

_I can't fucking keep acting this way. If I'm going to do this shit, I'm going to have to do it completely._

I forced my mind blank, trying to give myself over to the sensations only – soft lips on mine, the sound of quiet sighs, smooth skin beneath my fingertips…and I was finally able to respond in kind. We kissed for a long time, learning each other as our tongues occasionally brushed and our lips moved in concert. This really wasn't so bad, and a part of me began to hope that maybe I'd been wrong…maybe _this_ was all Bella was asking for.

Wrong again.

Against my lips, she whispered, "Please, Jasper…" and I nearly groaned. Couldn't she just be happy with a kiss tonight?

Apparently not. I thought for a moment, completely at a loss as to what to do next. I didn't seem to be able to remember what I normally did with a girl, which was pretty fucking ironic as I couldn't _stop_ thinking about it most of the time.

My body seemed to remember, though, as my hand left her arm and traveled to her ribs. I felt Bella jump and freeze for a moment, and a huge part of me hoped that she would decide she'd had enough for tonight. I didn't want to see that kind of defeat in her eyes, but I really wasn't sure if I _could_ do what she was asking either.

I held still, though, and before long, Bella was kissing me again, this time with a slight edge of urgency. My hand caressed her ribs, slowly working its way upward as we kissed softly, tenderly. Bella was dressed for bed already, wearing the X-Men t-shirt that had been my favorite in the seventh grade before she stole it from me. The thin fabric did nothing to hide the feel of her body, and as my thumb grazed the bottom of her breast, I realized for the first time ever that Bella wasn't wearing a bra.

_Wrong!_

We both gasped at the same time, and I pulled away slightly to look into Bella's eyes. I was half-hopeful that she realized this was as awkward as I did, but the look of…triumph on her face quashed any of that. She looked so much more hopeful than I had seen her look since before all of this shit, and there was no way I could mess that up for her. So I gave her a small smile, which she returned, before I leaned back in and kissed her again.

It was slightly less weird now that I could see the way I was helping her. I just had to not think about what I was actually doing.

Apparently, I was still pretty damn good despite my uncertainty because, before long, Bella was leaning into me and kissing me deeply. A part of me was pleased with myself, both for making her so comfortable and for the way she seemed to be enjoying it.

As my hand continued upward and cupped her breast, Bella actually _moaned_, and I smiled against her lips before I could stop it. She smiled back, still kissing me, and I began kneading her gently, my thumb running lightly across her nipple. My eyes flew open and I blinked when Bella nibbled on my bottom lip, but her eyes were still closed, and she was kissing me like she meant it.

_Wrong._

The voice was growing quieter.

I felt Bella's warm hand on my thigh, and I was surprised to realize that it felt…really good. The rational part of my mind was slowly drowning in the sensations of Bella's lips on mine and our hands gently exploring each other. Her hand was shaking lightly, as if she were unsure what to do. I hesitated for a moment, knowing what she _should_ do, if we really wanted this to go somewhere. I gave a soft sigh, and reached down, gently moving her hand upward.

_I'm going to hell._

Yeah, that voice was definitely quieter.

Bella's hand continued upward slowly as I broke our kiss, trailing light kisses along her neck to the skin just beneath her ear, where I sucked lightly. She shivered, and I smiled, pleased that I was bringing her pleasure.

_Wrong?_

Her fingers tentatively brushed across the zipper of my jeans, and I was almost startled to realize that I was responding so enthusiastically. When she pressed her hand against me more forcefully, I inhaled sharply and pulled her close to me, kissing her deeply. I lay back on the couch, pulling her on top of me, and her leg slipped between my thighs as both her hands knotted in my hair. She pulled her lips from mine, kissing and nibbling across my jaw. Her body was pressing against mine in delicious ways, and I wanted to feel more of her. I rolled us to our sides, bringing her lips back to mine and running my hand down her side to her hip.

Her hand roamed along my chest, drifting downward until she gently squeezed the erection straining against my jeans. I clenched my jaw, gritting my teeth and trying to remember that this was _Bella_. It was all getting so fuzzy in my head.

Taking my cue from her, I slipped my hand from her hip, running a finger along the waistband of her flannel pants. I felt her nod as I kissed her neck, licking at the hollow of her throat. She sighed softly and pulled me closer. My fingers dipped into her pants, finding their way into her panties as well. I was trembling, and a part of my mind was confused as hell, but I forgot all about that as my fingers traveled lower, and I felt the heat and moisture pooled there.

Something in me snapped, and this wasn't _Bella_, my best friend, any more. This was Isabella, beautiful woman with her body pressed against mine and her wetness on my fingertips. I moaned loudly and attacked her mouth, nibbling at her bottom lip as I sucked gently, and my fingers began tenderly caressing her.

Bella giggled.

My head snapped up and my eyes opened, and I was so fucking confused for a minute. Bella laughed harder at my expression.

Finally, I had to laugh with her as I discreetly pulled my hand from the waistband of her pants. I shook my head. It was so _Bella._

"I'm s…sorry," she giggled. "You…you just…sounded s…so…so funny!" She burst out laughing now, her shoulders shaking.

I watched her, amused and relieved and fucking frustrated as hell. "Feeling better?" I asked her.

She nodded, her eyes shining with mischief and happiness. "I umm…I think I'm good," she grinned, her eyes still gleaming.

"Glad I could amuse you," I pretended to huff.

She swatted at me playfully. "Oh, whatever. You know I love you. And…I…really, Jasper…thank you. I'm sorry I laughed." She bit her bottom lip and looked down, worried she'd offended me.

"I love you too, silly girl. And don't apologize…I'm just glad you're feeling better." I smiled down at her, trying my best to ignore the hard on that was going to become painful very soon.

"I don't think I'll be asking you to do that again," she blushed. "But…I can't tell you how much it means to me that you would."

I kissed her forehead as I moved to sit up. She sat beside me, and we smiled at each other. "See? I told you…you're fine. He just wasn't right for you."

She bit her bottom lip and looked down. "Do you think anyone is?" she asked, her voice soft.

I tilted her chin up and smiled softly. "For you, Bells? Without a doubt."


	2. The Great Below

_**A/N:**__ This brief outtake is an Edward POV of the end of his date with Bella in the chapter "In the Garage." This is just something I wrote for myself to work out his reaction to playing for Bella._

_Oh, and I don't own anything except an old Expedition and an awesome gaming laptop._

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**EPOV**

When I stepped out of the kitchen with glasses of water for both Bella and me, she was sitting on the couch studying my guitar across the room. Again.

I took a moment to enjoy the sight of her. She always looked beautiful, but tonight she was exceptionally tempting. Her sweater fit loosely, but the thin material made it cling, exposing her tantalizing curves. It was much lower cut than I'd ever seen her wear, and she obviously had a hard time keeping that fact in mind as it gaped open each time she bent forward. I'd had to struggle to compose myself when she first leaned over to roll dice at the comic shop, giving me a glimpse of the white satin bra cupping her silky flesh.

The mere memory rejuvenated the hard on I'd been trying to ignore all night. It was incredibly difficult to behave like a gentleman when all I wanted to do was –

_Good fucking god, Cullen. Get your mind out of the gutter._

I blinked and took a deep breath, walking down the short hallway as I tried to clear my mind. I composed myself as best I could by thinking of the fun I'd had with Bella rather than just the many, many ways she tempted me physically.

Our date had been incredible, and I was still a little baffled that she'd wanted to come back here to spend more time with me. I'd thought for sure my confession about my idiocy with Jasper would make her angry – or that my barely concealed lust would've driven her away.

Like so many times before, she shocked me. I was often amazed that we could have so much in common, and I could feel like I knew her so well – and yet there were so many things about her I didn't expect. It definitely kept things interesting. I found myself wanting to spend every moment I could with her, just to get to know her better.

Bella noticed me coming in, and I handed her the glass of water, teasing her when she looked surprised. I must look like more of an alcoholic than I'd realized. She was sitting in the middle of the couch, so I settled in at the end, not wanting to be too blatantly obvious about my desire to be close to her. Somehow, she'd forgiven my jealousy, and I was determined not to screw up any more.

_Tonight anyway._

I fought to keep the frown off my face and distracted myself by saying, "So you were looking at my guitar again, hmm?"

Bella seemed shy as she answered, "Yeah, it looks pretty nice."

I could tell she wanted to say more, but something seemed to be holding her back. I hoped that if she relaxed a little more, maybe she'd be able to tell me whatever was on her mind. And maybe if I kept my hands busy, I would be able to keep them safely off Bella.

So I stood and walked to the entertainment center to pick up my guitar. I sat on the floor, pushing my sleeves out of the way and resting my back against the couch as I began tuning it, my hands automatically performing the adjustments necessary as my thoughts drifted.

I was frustrated with the way I'd been struggling to control my thoughts all night. Normally it was much easier. It wasn't simply that Bella looked more alluring tonight…rather, I think it had to do with the changing nature of our relationship. As soon as the words "girlfriend" and "date" had crept into my head, I started seeing a physical relationship as more of a possibility with Bella.

And that was a very dangerous thing.

I meant it when I said I would wait forever for her. How could I not? She was everything I could ever want, and she was far too important to fuck things up by pushing her sexually. God knows I knew how that shit felt, and I _never_ wanted Bella to feel that way. But forget blue balls – my forever was going to be one very long case of fucking indigo balls if I couldn't learn to control my thoughts.

Even now, I couldn't stop myself from imagining it. I pictured my arms wrapped around her, feeling her soft curves as she pressed herself against me. I saw her lick her lips and smile at me as I leaned down, kissing her. My imaginary Bella tangled her fingers in my hair, pulling me closer as her lips parted, her tongue meeting mine.

I felt the ridiculous smile on my face as Bella sat down in front of me, dragging me out of my reverie. She leaned toward me – fucking hell, that innocent little satin bra was going to kill me – and I nearly acted on impulse, meeting her in the middle and fucking kissing her until neither of us could breathe. But then she reached out to brush the hair from my forehead, and the sight of her trembling fingers sobered me quickly.

I stared at her, realizing what I'd nearly done. She was looking back at me with such innocence and trust that I just felt even worse. I couldn't look at her anymore, so I tore my eyes away, feeling heat burning my cheeks.

How could I ever deserve her?

My eyes were stinging as I focused on the guitar in my hands, playing a few chords as I tried to find control. I heard her soft voice and raised my eyes to find her.

"Edward? Would you mind playing something for me?" she asked.

_Anything for you._

_I love you._

Why couldn't I say it? It wasn't like I hadn't declared myself openly. So why were certain words so goddamn hard to say? I felt my cheeks heat from both embarrassment and frustration. I was so weak.

She looked so fucking trusting. I hated to think of her ever finding out what a coward I was. I closed my eyes to escape hers, and I tried so hard to say the words.

_I love you._

I couldn't do it. It was so stupid, but I couldn't make myself say what I was really feeling. But I could try to let her know anyway. Maybe she would understand.

Without even a conscious decision, my fingers began playing a song that I had learned in my seemingly endless depression years ago. I focused on playing the best I could, trying to show her through my music that _she_ was the world to me. Maybe someday I would be strong enough to truly make the decision to tell her calmly, not just blurt it out during times of emotional turmoil.

When the time came, I tried to infuse the words with everything I was feeling as I sang. "Staring at the sea – will she come? Is there hope for me?"

_You are my hope, Bella…the only hope I've felt in so long. _

I thought of the way I felt when she smiled at me and the hope that surged within me whenever she made an attempt to be closer to me. What the hell could she see in me? Why was I worth it?

"After all is said and done…anything at any price…"

_Anything at all…_

I would do anything just to see her smile, to see the way her eyes lit up when she looked at me.

"All of this for you…"

_I will give you the world if you let me._

I lost myself in the music, picturing Bella and feeling nothing but longing and a vague sense of despair that warred with the hope Bella conjured in me. As the song neared its close and I was singing, "I can still feel you, even so far away…" memories of holding Bella flooded my mind. I remembered the feeling of her body pressed closely against mine. She was so warm and so soft…nothing compared to the feeling of her arms wrapped around me. Despite her apprehensions, she had molded herself to me, holding me closely and stirring my desire. I had never wanted anyone like I wanted her.

The song ended, but I kept my head down and my eyes closed, struggling to overcome my own craving before I looked at her. I didn't want to frighten her.

I froze when I felt the first stirring of air that blew my hair against my forehead. I inhaled lightly, catching Bella's fragrance, and I knew she was close. My instincts were to lean forward, take her face in my hands, and pull her to me, crushing my lips to hers and kissing her senseless.

If it were anyone else, that's exactly what I would have done. God knows I'd just done whatever I wanted often enough in the past.

But I couldn't do that with Bella, and I was afraid of how badly I would fuck things up if I did. I kept myself utterly still, afraid to move at all because I wasn't sure what I would do. Would I have enough control to keep my hands – and lips – to myself?

I felt Bella's warm, soft lips press lightly against my forehead, and I wanted to groan. What was she doing to me? Taunting me, tormenting me…what I wanted was so fucking close, but it might as well have been on the other side of the world.

But…through my frustration, the enormity of what she had just done hit me. Yet again, she was pushing herself, taking that next step…for _me._ Why? Maybe I was wrong…maybe I'd been overthinking it. Maybe she wanted to kiss me just as badly as I did her.

I opened my eyes slowly. She was on her knees, sitting on her heels as she leaned forward. For the first time ever, I allowed myself to take in the sight of her fully, my gaze traveling slowly over her entire body. I admired the flare of her shapely hips before they narrowed to her waist. Once again, I could see the swell of her breasts barely concealed by the white satin cups of her bra. I saw a brief flash of myself leaning forward, licking and kissing the soft flesh of her cleavage.

My eyes continued their journey, appreciating her delicate collarbones as I imagined sucking lightly on the hollow of her neck. I allowed my imaginary lips to continue their exploration, kissing their way to the skin just beneath her ear. I turned my attention to her face, enjoying her striking cheekbones and warm, expressive eyes.

She was so incredibly beautiful.

I wanted her. I _needed_ her.

I shifted my gaze to her lips, licking my own reflexively as my resolve to kiss her strengthened.

And then I heard Bella gasp.

_My_ Bella.

I saw a flash of fear in her eyes, and I blinked as I pressed myself back against the couch, trying to get as far away from the source of my temptation as possible. My breathing was heavy, and I closed my eyes, trying to clear my mind and calm myself.

Then what I had nearly done really hit me, and I was appalled. My lust faded into the background as my eyes opened, searching her face as I tried to make sure she was okay.

_Fuck._

What if I scared her away?

I wanted to be the one person she never had to fear, but I had no one to blame but myself if she cringed away from me now.

"I'm sorry, Bella," I whispered, wishing I could make her see exactly how sorry I was.

She looked confused as she asked, "What are you sorry for?"

_For not being the man you deserve. For not being able to control myself. For being a monster._

I smiled at her concern for me even now. "For frightening you…I didn't mean to," I said as I looked down.

Bella surprised me again, gently tilting my chin up. I looked into her eyes and somehow saw…affection there.

"It's not your fault. You didn't do anything wrong," she said softly. "And thank you…that was beautiful."

_What does she see in me?_

I tried to smile at her, but I just felt so fucking low right then. Despite everything – the way I wanted her, my jealous ass confrontation with Jasper, the fact that I had just frightened her – she cared about me. She was worried and wanted me to be okay. She truly was an angel, and I would spend my life doing everything I could to be worthy of her, as long as she would have me.

She lightened her tone and said, "You're in trouble now, you know…"

And I realized something. She was trying to bring me out of this random bout of depression because she was enjoying herself and wanted to be here. She was _happy_ here with me. She wanted me to be happy too. I don't know why it struck me then…maybe it was her tone or the way she was smiling at me. Whatever it was, my mood lifted. We'd had a fantastic night, and I wasn't going to let my morose ass ruin it.

I couldn't figure out what she meant though, so I arched an eyebrow and said, "Trouble?"

She nodded with her eyes wide as she said, "Mmhmm…"

I had to grin as I asked what sort of trouble. She was just so fucking adorable. I saw the concern fade from her eyes as her smile became truly happy.

She said, "I had no idea you could play and sing like that…I hope you realize you'll be doing that at _least,_ oh…once an hour from now on."

_Anything for you. Anything at all._

This time, I was going to tell her. I was fucking strong enough, damn it.

I smiled at her, both from happiness at the love I felt and from the sense of pride I had at gathering my courage. "Whatever my Bella wishes…"

Bella blushed, and I realized a fraction too late that I'd said "my Bella" aloud. I felt the heat on my cheeks, but I saw that Bella wasn't bothered. She even seemed to like it. I resisted the urge to look away, wanting instead to take in the happiness in Bella's eyes.

_Whatever makes her happy…_

And since what seemed to make her happy was hanging out with me for some unfathomable reason, I decided to go with it. I would take whatever she would give. So I grinned at her, deciding to tease her a bit.

"I think you'll know this one…" I said as I began playing an old Weezer song. It had reminded me of her ever since I found out she played D&D. She was so wonderfully geeky. I loved it. I meant it when I said it was refreshing that she was always herself.

"I've got the _Dungeon Master's Guide_," I sang, grinning at her. "I've got a 12-sided die."

My grin broadened when Bella joined in with, "I've got Kitty Pryde…"

As we sang together, I felt all the tension and worry and despair I'd felt drain away. I knew I needed to be careful, but somehow it didn't bother me so much in that moment. I would never stop wanting Bella, but...as long as I could keep from hurting her, that sounded like a fucking good problem to have.


	3. Helplessness and Hope EPOV

**A/N:** This is the EPOV of chapter 19, "Helplessness and Hope." It contains the same dialogue as that chapter but without Bella's memories. Instead, it has Edward's reactions. I personally would recommend reading both, but if you are bothered by graphic violence and rape, please read this chapter only and skip chapter 19 in "Just One of the Guys." That chapter is not gratuitously violent, but it does have some of Bella's memories of her attack.

Also, I realized that you will miss Rosalie's story if you don't read the beginning of chapter 19. You can read her story there without getting into Bella's memories, though.

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**EPOV**

Bella's hand was wrapped around the microphone, and she was unconsciously swaying her hips as she sang, "I wiiiiiill drive past your house, and iiiiiiiif the lights are all down, I'll see who's aroooo-ound."

She was so fucking cute.

And sexy as hell.

I was trying to concentrate on my notes scrolling along the screen as I played lead guitar, but Bella was just in my line of vision, and I was majorly distracted. Emmett knew what was going on, and he kept kicking the back of my leg, making my knee buckle.

"Quit it, fucker," I mumbled, kicking backward at him.

"Eyes on the screen, Cullen," he said, and I heard the smirk in his tone.

I muttered under my breath as my fingers ended up on the wrong buttons, and I missed a long series of notes. I heard him laugh.

I couldn't help myself, and I really didn't see any reason to try, so I let my eyes stray to Bella again. Her hair was pulled back into the messy little bun at the base of her neck that I loved, and she wasn't wearing any make-up. I appreciated the way she could be so natural and still look unbelievably beautiful. She was dressed simply, wearing a long-sleeved Korn t-shirt and her jeans. She had these silly green-and-black striped socks on that made me grin like a fucking moron every time I caught sight of them.

She had no idea what she did to me.

Bella started bouncing around doing a little dance as she sang the next lines, and I finally had to tear my eyes away.

_Good fucking god._

I swallowed and shook my head then tried to concentrate only on playing. I immediately improved, and soon I was beating Emmett. I heard his fingers moving furiously on the buttons from where he stood behind me safely away from Alice. My little sister was a force to be reckoned with on the drums, and we'd learned not to get too close. Not even Jasper was safe from her flailing around.

We'd been hanging out at Bella and Jasper's for a few hours now, just drinking Jasper's margaritas and playing _Rock Band 2_. I wasn't sure how Emmett would take it when I suggested a change in our Saturday night plans, but he'd actually acted happy about it. I think drinking at the bar had lost its appeal since he'd stopped his random conquests.

So far, it had been a lot of fun having him here. He gave me tons of shit, but he'd do that no matter where we were. Bizarrely, Jasper had actually defended me a couple of times. Emmett had a way of fitting in anywhere, and the two of them were getting along extremely well.

It was Jasper's turn to sit out right now, and he was lounging on the loveseat off to the side where he could see the screen. I could hear his low voice absently singing along with Bella. We were all taking turns on each of the instruments, but somehow Alice ended up on the drums a hell of a lot.

Our song ended, and Bella turned around, beaming at me. Her smile was bright and infectious, and I felt a wide grin form on my face. She finally looked away, skipping over to give the microphone to Jasper. I watched her flop on the couch, resting her head on one of the arms as she settled in to watch us.

It was Emmett's turn to play lead guitar, so I selected bass. While he was flipping through menus choosing our next song, I returned my eyes to Bella. She glanced over at me, but from the way her cheeks tinged pink, she obviously hadn't been expecting me to be looking at her as well. Her eyes brightened when she saw me smiling at her, and we got a little lost in staring at each other. Emmett loved to give me shit about that. I didn't care. I heard the cheering that signaled our song was about to begin, so I started to turn back to the screen. In my peripheral vision, I was rewarded with the sight of Bella's eyes traveling slowly down my body as she bit her bottom lip.

_God damn._ She knew how to excite me without even trying.

The opening strains of "Chop Suey" began, and I laughed as Emmett started to have trouble immediately. That shit wasn't so easy now, was it? He caught up, though, and at least didn't fail out, but he was struggling. The bass part was easy for me, and I really didn't even have to pay that much attention, so I decided to give Emmett a little payback.

As I was taunting him, I thought I heard a knocking noise from somewhere, but no one else noticed, so I figured it was just part of the soundtrack. We were about midway through the song, and Jasper was belting out the lyrics at the top of his voice when I heard keys in the lock.

Considering both people who lived here were here at the moment, I wondered who it could be.

I didn't have long to wait as the door opened, and a woman's voice called out, "Jasper? Bella? What the fuck does it take to get you to answer the door?"

Emmett, Alice, and I exchanged glances, and I shrugged. But Jasper dropped his microphone, and he and Bella squealed, "Rosie!" together before they ran down the hall. I swear to God. Sometimes Jasper was such a girl. I guess it came from having Bella as a best friend for so many years on top of having a twin sister.

Emmett smirked at me, reminding me that he'd never seen Rosalie – and he thought she was Jasper's hideous twin.

_This should be fun…_

We put down our guitars as Alice replaced the drumsticks, and I lifted my arms over my head, stretching before I followed my sister down the hallway. She stopped a few feet away from the reunion in front of us, and I couldn't help but smile at how happy Bella looked as she waited for Jasper to put Rosalie down. As soon as he did, the girls hugged and then Bella held Rosalie at arms' length to get a good look at her.

It was the first time I'd really had a chance to look at her too, and I had to admit that the pictures didn't do her justice. She was more manicured and made up than I usually liked, but she was absolutely beautiful – and with that blonde hair, those long legs, and the way she was fucking stacked, she was going to make Emmett explode in his pants. I glanced over at Em and snorted when I saw him staring at her, open-mouthed, with the dumbest expression I'd ever seen on his face. He was leaning one shoulder against the wall as if it were the only thing holding him up. If he was trying to fight that dumb jock image, that shit wouldn't be helping him.

I leaned against the opposite wall and let my gaze follow Emmett's back down the hall again. I swear, I don't think he'd blinked. Jasper brought Alice forward to introduce her to his sister, saying, "Rosie, this is my girlfriend, Alice."

I bit back a laugh when Rosalie hugged her and said, "I'm so happy to finally meet you, Alice. Jasper won't shut the fuck up about you."

I knew how she felt.

Alice answered, "I'm happy to meet you too! Jasper's told me a lot about you," with her usual exuberance. Sometimes she made me tired just watching her.

Bella shifted then, drawing my eyes, and I lost track of what they were saying when she turned to me. She walked toward me with her hand extended, and I felt the smile on my lips that always arrived anytime she reached out to touch me. I met her halfway, taking her hand as she turned and walked us back to Rosalie.

She said, "This is my…" and trailed off for half a second before her eyes widened and she blurted out, "Edward!"

_Tell me she'd been about to say "boyfriend"…_I pleaded.

_Who's the girl now?_

_Shut up._

Rosalie arched an eyebrow, and I was surprised when her eyes traveled slowly down my body and back up. Was she checking me out with Bella standing right there?

Finally she said, "Your Edward, huh? Well, I can see why you'd want to keep him to yourself…" and then smirked at Bella. Turning back to me, she held her hand out and said, "I'm Rosalie Hale. Nice to meet you."

I couldn't decide whether to blush or scowl, so I settled for shaking her hand. Her smile softened, though, and I realized she'd been teasing Bella. I caught a wide-eyed look of shock pass between Jasper and Bella, but before I could try to figure it out, Emmett was shouldering past me.

I dropped Rosalie's hand and stepped to the side, watching in amusement as Emmett introduced himself.

"I'm Emmett McCarty," he said with the biggest fucking grin I'd ever seen plastered on his face. Oh, he was definitely interested.

I glanced over to see if Rosalie was, and I have to say that she didn't look unaffected, but she seemed a little preoccupied as she shook his hand.

_So far, so good._

I smiled at Bella, and she gave me a mischievous grin. Then her smile faded, and her forehead wrinkled as she looked toward the door that was still standing open and said, "Where's Royce?"

I wanted to groan. That fucker. I'd forgotten Rosalie had a boyfriend.

Bella continued, "And why are you here, anyway? I thought you were driving in tomorrow?"

Strangely, there seemed to be a weird hint of panic in her voice. I looked at her, studying her face as she looked between Jasper and Rosalie. Her eyes tightened as I heard Rosalie quietly say, "Thanks, Jazzy."

Part of me wanted to snort at the nickname, but the look on Bella's face had me worried. Something wasn't right.

Bella frowned, and her voice was more demanding as she said, "Rosalie? What's going on?"

I finally looked away from Bella, glancing at Rosalie to see if I could figure out what she saw that was upsetting her. Rosalie looked around at all of us before she muttered, "I would've waited until tomorrow if I'd known…but I wanted to get it out of the way before the guys got here." She sighed and stood there, saying nothing more.

_Uh oh._

I didn't know what was going on, but obviously it was something big. I looked over at Jasper and saw that he looked…guilty. Alice was standing beside him watching the other two girls. Her hand was in Jasper's, and she had a concerned look on her face.

She knew something.

A-fucking-gain.

Bella's voice actually whined as she asked, "Get _what_ out of the way?" I frowned as I looked back at her. God damn it, they needed to say something. I hated seeing her upset like this.

My eyes were still on Bella when I heard Rosalie sigh and mutter, "Sorry…" I saw her hand slip into Bella's, and then they were both leaving. They walked down the hall to Jasper's room, Bella's eyes on Rosalie the whole time.

I turned to look at Jasper, ready to lay into him and demand to know what was going on. I was tired of this shit. But he was looking at Alice with an expression somewhere between guilt and pain, and I knew he was upset.

_Fuck_.

He sighed and said, "I'm sorry, guys…"

Alice looked up at him as she said, "It's understandable. Should we go?"

Jasper caressed Alice's cheek as he answered, "You don't have to, darlin', but I don't know how long this might take."

He hesitated as he bit the inside of his cheek and then looked over at me seriously. "You should probably stay at least, Edward. Bella might…need you…afterward." I was both confused and…touched, honestly, by his words. I nodded quietly, and he nodded in return before his jaw clenched as he glanced away.

With another sigh, he leaned down and kissed Alice gently. She whispered to him, and he nodded before he took the same path the girls had taken to his room. Something in the slow reluctance of his gait reminded me of a condemned man.

Alice was the first to move. She walked back into the living room, and Emmett and I both followed silently. I sat on the couch, my mind totally focused on whatever was going on behind Jasper's closed door.

Emmett's voice interrupted my brooding as he said, "What the fuck, man?"

I knew immediately what he was talking about, but I really wasn't in the mood to discuss Rosalie, so I just said, "Not now, Em."

Alice's quiet, "What is it?" reminded me that she was there…and she knew something.

I turned to frown at her. "Spill it, Ali," I ordered.

She made a face at me and shook her head. "It's not my place," she said, and the reminder of my conversation with Jasper immediately infuriated me. I was so damn tired of being in the dark about everything.

"That's bullshit, Alice. You know something," I said. "What's going on?"

She shot me a withering look as she said, "I don't know exactly, _Edward_," emphasizing my name as if it were a curse. "But there's something up with Rosalie that Jasper's been worried about for awhile. And that's all you're getting out of me." She stuck her tongue out me like she'd been doing since she was an infant, and I rolled my eyes, sitting back on the couch as I muttered darkly.

She was impossible when she got this way.

After a few minutes, I heard Emmett and Alice talking, but I couldn't pay attention to them. I kept imagining different scenarios with Rosalie, but nothing made any sense. I tried to hear a bit of what was going on, but the door muffled the sound of their voices, and Alice and Emmett weren't making it any easier as they talked quietly. I was vaguely aware that they tried to draw me into their conversation once or twice, but I just ignored them.

I was staring as far down the hallway as I could see when I heard Jasper's door open and then slam. Bella came into view with a livid, focused expression. She stalked into the living room and sat on the couch not far from me, snatching up her shoes and shoving her feet into them. She tied them quickly without looking at any of us.

I had no idea what to do, so I was sitting there stunned when Jasper's door opened again a few seconds later, and Jasper and Rosalie walked in. Jasper had a somewhat guilty expression, and they both looked worried. I watched as everything seemed to be moving so quickly while I was still trying to figure out what the hell was going on. Both of them were calling out to her, trying to get her attention.

"Bells, sweetheart, don't do this," Jasper said.

"Bella, I'm here. I'm fine," Rosalie added.

They continued their pleading as they followed her through the room, but she didn't seem to hear them. She went to the closet and grabbed her coat, throwing it on before she plucked her keys from the kitchen counter.

Suddenly, everything snapped into focus, and I stood, adding my voice to theirs. "Bella, wait. Where are you going?" I moved toward her, trying to catch up as I realized she was planning to leave.

She didn't even glance at me.

Every time I caught a glimpse of her face, all I saw was a determined mask. She really wasn't hearing us at all.

I didn't know what had made her so upset, but there was no way in hell she should be driving in this state. I looked over at Jasper and said, "Do something, man!"

"Bella, please," he begged, following a few steps behind her.

I moved in front of him and watched, feeling helpless, as Bella jerked open the front door and let it slam back against the wall. She was leaving. In a few more steps, she would be in her car, heading God knows where while she was so upset she couldn't even hear us.

I couldn't let her leave.

But what the fuck could I do? She was already upset, and I was standing behind her. Somehow, I knew grabbing her from behind would be a bad fucking idea, but my time was rapidly running out.

I felt agony at the thought of possibly triggering one of her breakdowns. I couldn't stand the idea that I could incapacitate her with a panic attack – but what else could I do?

_Fuck, this is stupid._

_Bella, I'm so sorry._

Those two thoughts passed through my mind in concert as I reached out for her arm. I heard Jasper say, "Don't, Edward!" but my mind was made up – I couldn't just let her leave. My fingers wrapped around her wrist as I half-bent toward her, ready to pick her up off the floor if she dropped.

My position meant that I was leaning closer when she spun around and her right fist connected solidly with my nose with a crunching noise.

"Fuck!" The curse slipped out as I took a step backward, and I immediately regretted it. I knew it would make Bella feel worse, and none of this was her fault. This was all me.

Still, that hurt like hell, and I could feel blood pouring out of my nose instantly. I raised my right hand to my nose, my other hand still reaching out to try to stop Bella from leaving. I saw her eyes as her face dropped the mask, and for a split second, I felt so proud of her for beating the shit out of me rather than falling to pieces.

But then her face crumpled and tears sprang to her eyes as she took in what she'd done. I felt like a piece of shit for frightening her. I knew if she hadn't had a flash of…whatever it was she always saw, she would never have hit me. Ever.

If I thought I felt low for scaring her, it was nothing compared to how I felt when she said, "Oh my god, Edward! I'm so sorry!"

Fucking hell. _She_ was apologizing to _me_.

My heart ripped as I saw the remorse and self-loathing in her eyes. It was almost more than I could take. I mean, she was already upset, I scared the hell out of her, and now she was apologizing for reacting out of that fear. It was ridiculous.

"No, I'm sorry, Bella," I said.

_I wish I could show you just how sorry I am._

"That was stupid." I heard how muffled my voice was through my hand, but I was afraid to take it away. Alice appeared at my side with a dish towel, and I took it from her silently. I held it to my nose and the tears in Bella's eyes begin to spill over. I was afraid she was going to bolt, so I reached out one hand and took a small step toward her, almost as if I were approaching a wild animal.

Her expression shifted, and concern replaced the self-loathing I'd seen on her face. "I'm not leaving," she whispered. She took a couple of steps toward me, and her hand rose toward the towel. She left it hanging there for a moment before she let it fall again. "I'm so sorry," she said again.

I was a little annoyed with her apology, though I knew I'd feel the same if I had ever hit her, no matter what the reason. I tried to be understanding and just focus on her rather than my frustration.

Her eyes remained on the towel I held to my face, and I knew it was upsetting her. I rubbed my nose with it, even though I knew better, and I cursed internally when it hurt like hell. I hoped it had stopped bleeding, so I tried to pull the towel away, only to feel the blood trickle over my lips again. Her face fell at the sight.

_Fucking great, Cullen._

_Can you do anything right?_

I lifted my left hand to cup her cheek and tried to brush away her tears with my thumb as I begged her, "Please don't be upset…" I couldn't stand that she was blaming herself.

I should learn not to try to comfort her because, once again, she fucking _sobbed_, and I just felt so helpless. How could I help her when I just kept upsetting her? I watched as she shook her head and cried, and I _had_ to comfort her, but fuck if I knew how.

Finally, I did the only thing I knew how to do. I softly said, "Bella…" to get her to look at me. I kept my eyes on hers as I closed the distance between us, reading the whole way to see if this would make things worse. She watched me impassively, so when I reached her, I wrapped my arm around her waist and pulled her to me.

She buried her face in my chest and sobbed uncontrollably, wrapping her arms around my waist and fisting her hands in the back of my t-shirt. I tilted my head back and let the towel fall as I pinched the bridge of my nose to try to get the bleeding to stop while she wasn't looking. My arm was tight around her waist, and my fingers stroked her side as I tried my best to comfort her. My mind was in turmoil as I worried about her and wondered what could have caused this sort of lingering agony. I was reaching a point of dread…I wasn't sure I could handle knowing what happened to her any more. Maybe it was better to be left in the dark.

As the bleeding stopped, I listen to her gasp and sob and sniffle, and my heart ached for her. I held her tighter, my right arm around her shoulders while my left was around her waist. Eventually, I was able to make out words in the sounds she was making, and I was agonized by what I heard. I began gently rubbing her back as I listened to her say, "I'm so fucking sorry," and "I hate this," again and again.

I couldn't just listen to her apologize, so I began talking to her softly, trying to reach her in her distress. "Shh, Bella love…I'm here…don't cry…" My words felt so inadequate, but I didn't know what else to do, so I just kept repeating them, my hand rubbing slowly up and down her back as I prayed for her to hear me.

Eventually the words stopped, though her sobbing continued. Her shaking shoulders wracked both our bodies while she took ragged breaths, but she began calming slowly, so I kept up my whispered reassurances.

Finally, she grew still, and after a few minutes, she tried to pull away, but I just couldn't make myself let her go. She wriggled her arms free and put her hands on my chest, tilting her face up to look at me. I could feel my skin pulling and itching where the blood had dried, so I knew it had to look bad.

I also knew Bella enough to understand what she was thinking when he face crumpled as she looked at me. My heart broke for her as I whispered, "Don't, Bella…please…" I cupped her cheek with my hand and held her close, wishing I could take away her pain. "I'm fine…I'm just worried about you."

She didn't listen to me, of course, and she said quietly, "I'm sorry. I…I never would have…" Her lower lip quivered as she trailed off, unable to finish her sentence.

"Shh, love, it's okay," I tried to reassure her. "I know you would never hurt me on purpose." And I did. There is no way Bella would ever intentionally hurt me. She was in misery right now from doing it accidentally. I traced her lower lip with my thumb as I studied her face. I was trying to tell how she was actually doing right now, trying to figure out what she needed. "It was stupid of me to grab you like that. I was just afraid you were going to leave and…I couldn't…I'm _so_ sorry."

I wondered if she could even make sense of my ramblings. Did she understand that I couldn't let her drive like that? That my world would crumble if she were taken away from me?

She baffled me again as she asked, "Why are _you _apologizing? I'm the one who hit you…"

_Yeah, because I scared the shit out of you._ I winced internally.

Bella bit her bottom lip, and her hands fisted my gray shirt as she struggled to keep from crying again. How could anyone hurt someone so good? How could she still _be_ such a good person after whatever she went through?

I knew she wouldn't listen to any of that right now, so I answered her question as simply as I could. "You wouldn't have hit me if I hadn't scared you."

_If I hadn't caused you to see whatever horrors make you break down._

She shook her head as if to argue, but her expression began to clear. I gave her a small smile, and she gave me one in return. It was a weak one, but it was a start. Her eyes became curious, and she looked at me closely.

_What the fuck is she thinking?_

_Why so curious?_

I had no answers, so I just watched her and wished I could find a way to take away her guilt and make her see herself the way I saw her. She was so incredibly beautiful…inside and out.

I loved her completely.

I saw a wide range of emotions cross her face as she looked up at me in silence. In the end, she wore an expression that seemed equal parts confusion, exhaustion, and determination. The exhaustion concerned me the most, and even though I didn't want to let her go, I was just about to suggest she sleep when Bella's soft voice breathed, "I think we need to talk."

It was barely above a whisper, and I wondered for a moment if I'd actually heard it. But she was peering up at me with determination winning out over her exhaustion, and I realized what she meant.

_Oh, hell no._

_She can't be ready for that tonight, can she? Hasn't she been through enough?_

_Am I ready for that…?_

It didn't matter what I was ready for – I'd do whatever Bella asked of me. But I was worried about her. I didn't want her to push herself too far, so I said, "Bella, you don't have to…"

She interrupted, "Yes, I do…you need to know." The indecision I'd seen so often in her eyes was gone as she looked up at me. She bit her bottom lip and raised her hand to rub along the edge of my chin. She surprised me when she said, "But first, let me take care of you…"

Those words – so simple – floored me. Other than my mom, no one had ever taken care of me before. I'd always been on my own, and to have Bella so concerned about me when she was going through so much herself touched me more than anything else ever had. I had never known someone so…selfless. It was yet another reason I loved this woman.

I smiled at her softly as I answered, "Whatever my Bella wishes…" When she gave me a small, sad smile but didn't move, I realized I was still holding on to her tightly. I let her go and took a small step back to give her some space.

She bent over to pick up the towel as she said, "Let's get you cleaned up," and nodded toward her room. I looked at her again and wished so badly I could tell her it was fine and that I never needed to know, but it just wasn't true. I _did_ need to know…and I was beginning to think that maybe she needed to talk about it too.

I led the way to her bedroom, glancing into the living room as I passed it. The other four were sitting silently inside. They all looked up and watched us go by, except for Jasper who sat staring straight ahead. His eyes were red, and his expression was somewhere between anger and anguish.

I heard Rosalie say, "Let's give them some privacy…" and then I heard the creaking of the couch as someone stood.

A moment later, Alice's quiet voice said, "Jazz?"

"I'm not going anywhere," he answered dully.

As soon as I entered her room, I felt odd. I hadn't really spent any time in here, and it felt especially wrong with her in her current state. I waited in the middle of her room as she walked straight by me to the bathroom, turning on the light.

The argument from the living room continued, but Bella's face gave no indication that she heard it at all. I, on the other hand, couldn't ignore it as I started to walk toward her.

"I'm starving," said Emmett. "Why don't we go grab something to eat?"

Both the girls agreed, but Jasper's voice was raised as he said, "You expect me to just leave her here alone after that?"

Alice's voice answered softly, "She's not alone, Jazz. Edward's here."

I tried to tune them out as I heard Emmett's low voice add to the murmur of noise. As I entered the bathroom, Bella frowned and looked at me. "Damn…" she said. "That could stain…here, let me see it."

I heard Jasper's voice rise again, and this time it was Rosalie who answered him. I took in where Bella was looking and realized I must have blood on my collar, so I took off my gray shirt and handed it to her. I heard the front door close and realized from the silence that followed that we were alone.

Bella turned on the water, and I watched as she ran her fingers over the collar of my shirt, working to remove the stain before it could set in. I studied the curve of her neck while she leaned over, and I felt a familiar stirring below my waist. I felt like a major ass for even thinking of something like that while Bella was so upset, but part of me wondered if maybe I was just trying to distract myself from the conversation I knew was coming.

Or maybe it was just that my almost-girlfriend was enticing as fuck, and I was a major ass.

She finished with my shirt and set it to the side before she took a wash cloth from the cabinet. She turned on the hot water and then faced me, leaning against the counter. We watched each other in silence, and I knew I wasn't imagining the attraction building between us.

There really couldn't be a worse time to act on it, though, so I was thankful when steam began rising from the faucet, and Bella went back into action. I was touched by her caring nature again as I watched her moderate the temperature, testing it carefully before she finally wet the wash cloth to begin cleaning my face. She was thorough as she tried to remove all the blood, and I watched her quietly, all the while wondering what she was thinking.

I didn't know if I should speak, so I remained silent and just watched as she frowned. She gently wiped just beneath my nose, moving on to my lips, where her fingers stopped. She looked at my lips for a long time, and I saw desire in her eyes. I wondered if I should kiss her – and I definitely fucking wanted to – but it just felt wrong…she'd been through so much tonight. It felt sort of perverse to be thinking about that right now, even if she was.

Her distance bothered me. It was like she wasn't exactly here right now, and that had me worried. No way did I want our first kiss to come when I wasn't even sure she was with me.

Bella broke the silence by saying, "Okay, I think I'm done now," only to slip back into it as she turned around and switched the water to cold. She let it run over her hand for awhile and then pulled up the stopper on the sink to let it fill with the cold water. She tossed in the shirt and wash cloth and then turned without a word to walk into her bedroom. Even though she seemed…vacant…right now, I didn't want to make her nervous by following her, so I waited until she sat down on the corner of her bed and turned to look at me. Then I turned out the light and walked to her, stopping just in front of the bed.

"Let me see your hand," I said quietly. I hoped she hadn't hurt herself too badly when she hit me, and I wanted to check out the damage for myself. She looked confused as she held out her hand, making me sure she hadn't even thought about caring for herself. She often seemed to forget her own needs, and I resolved to look out for her.

I was grateful for my medical training, scant though it was so far, as I examined her hand carefully. I checked each finger and knuckle, bending and pressing softly to assess the swelling. Thankfully, nothing seemed to be broken, but there was some swelling and there would definitely be some bruising tomorrow. I straightened and told her I'd be right back, and then I left the room.

As I walked down the hallway and into the kitchen, I was tense. My shoulders were tight, and my jaw was clenched. I pulled open drawers until I found a towel, and I struggled to stop slamming things around as I opened the freezer and got a small ice pack. I realized I was on the verge of tears, so bothered was I by Bella's abstraction and the story I knew was coming. I was determined not to make this any harder for her, so I stood over the sink with my head down, my fingertips digging into the underside of the counter as I worked to control myself.

When I felt strong enough, I made my way back to Bella's bedroom and found her sitting against the headboard with a pillow in her lap. She looked so tiny and fragile. Silence hung heavy in the room, almost as if it were a separate entity, and it brought an emptiness that made me wonder if Bella was really here with me.

Swallowing the lump in my throat, I quietly said, "Here," just to break the silence, and I reached for her hand as I sat beside her on the bed. I carefully tied the ice pack in place and lifted her hand, kissing each of her fingertips. I tried to convey my love for her as I lowered her hand to the pillow on her lap and tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. She'd been through so much…how could I ask her to relive it again?

I couldn't.

"Bella, you don't have to do this," I told her softly.

Her simple answer was, "I do."

I studied her, trying to decide if there was anything I could say to change her mind. It reminded me of what my mother had always said about being careful what you wished for – I'd wanted so badly to hear this story, and now I was trying to find a way out of it. There was no wavering in her eyes, though, so I sighed and nodded as I glanced away.

"Do you want me to stay here…?" I asked as I motioned to the bed. I was thinking of going to the recliner to give her some space, but I wanted to do whatever felt right for her.

She just nodded. I took a deep breath and held it for a moment before I finally moved, going to the center of the bed. I sat a little ways away from her and faced her, taking her left hand in mine. I watched her, but she turned her eyes straight ahead, and I was startled to see them become even more empty. Where had she gone?

"My parents divorced when I was nine…not long after I met Jasper," she began suddenly, and her voice immediately took on a strange quality. It was hollow and businesslike…so foreign from the expression I usually found in it. "I lived with my mom in Forks. We stayed there to be near my dad. But the summer I turned sixteen, she married my stepdad, Phil."

My feeling of dread grew as I listened to her, and I wondered if she could even feel my thumb rubbing her hand. I wanted to comfort her, futile as it seemed.

"Phil was a baseball player for the Tacoma Rainiers when he met my mom," her dead voice continued. I hated the sound. It seemed such a mockery of my Bella. "He lost his position, and he was moving to Phoenix right after my sophomore year. He proposed to my mom and asked her to move with him. She agreed, and they had a small ceremony that summer. I wanted to stay in Forks, but I'd never lived away from her. After a lot of arguing, my dad finally talked me into going and trying it. He said I could come back any time if I hated it…"

She took a slow breath. "Phoenix was so different from Forks. It was hot and dry, and I had no one there. I had never been away from my dad or Jasper or Rosalie…or the guys. I was miserable, but my mom wanted it to work, so I tried. We spent a lot of time together that summer. She took me shopping and bought me all new clothes, telling me it was a chance for me to reinvent myself."

I watched as tears filled her eyes. Why was she crying? Was she just remembering that feeling of being alone? Was there something more? I wished I could just see into her head, know what she was seeing…but the more cowardly side of me was glad I couldn't. Bella blinked deliberately before she continued, her face expressionless aside from her tears.

"I took my mom's advice, and when school started, I wore all my new skirts and tops. Everything seemed so revealing after the warmer clothes I'd worn in Washington. For the first time, I felt…sexy. Desirable."

She paused for a long moment, and I realized how much she must be seeing that she wasn't sharing. I hated this distance between us already. I wished she would look at me, just so I could try to reassure her. I felt so helpless with only my hand holding hers to try to comfort her as I gently stroked her hand with my thumb.

"Everyone treated me differently too. I wasn't just that Bella girl with all the guy friends. People were interested in me. New people talked to me. I'd had only one boyfriend before – Garrett. He was great, but we'd really been so innocent. More friends than anything else. So I was flattered when guys started asking me out. I went on a few dates but nothing serious. I got a job at a flower shop, and I worked there most afternoons. In September, James came into the shop."

I heard her breath catch as she said "James," and I wondered if he was the motherfucker. My hands reflexively formed fists, and I worked to relax the one holding Bella's. I listened as her breathing sped and fear found its way onto her face before her breathing slowed again and the fear drained.

He was definitely the motherfucker.

Now that I had a name, I wanted to go find him. Now.

Since I couldn't, I found myself monitoring her – I noticed every twitch, every breath, and I would swear I could even hear her heart beating. I was completely in tune with her, though I didn't know what I would be able to do if she broke down.

Finally, her long pause ended, and she continued her story almost where she'd left off.

"I tripped and nearly fell, but he caught me, and he stayed around afterwards, talking to me while I worked. He started showing up nearly every day. He was nineteen and in college, and I was flattered that he was interested in me. Before long, I was finding flowers and notes on my windshield when I got out of school, and soon, we kissed for the first time."

I felt a stab of irrational jealousy at the mention of his kissing her. It was further fueled by my assumption that he was the one to break her so badly. I hated focusing on my own feelings, so I worked to channel it into my attempts to comfort Bella, lacing my fingers through hers and wanting so badly to tell her I loved her.

"For once, my mom tried to be a parent and told me I couldn't see him. She said he was too old, and I should date a boy my own age. That just made me more determined, so we started sneaking around, meeting in out-of-the-way places so we wouldn't get caught."

Bella bit her lip hard, and I worried that she was going to hurt herself.

"No one in Phoenix knew we were together. I had a few acquaintances, but James took over my life before any real friendships could develop. I didn't care. I had him and all the excitement that came from hiding our relationship."

Again, I felt that irrational, selfish stab of jealousy that she had once cared so much for him. I didn't understand why I was reacting that way, and I tried to just push it all away. I felt a growing sense of dread at the way James had taken over her life, and I waited for her to continue.

She was silent for longer this time, and I just sat there, giving her all the time she needed until I saw her face tense beneath her emotionless mask, and her breathing began to speed. I squeezed her hand and rubbed it again, willing her to come back to me, away from the memories that haunted her. She continued as if she'd never stopped – not a single flicker of recognition on her face.

"Everything was great for about a month until I told him I was going to Forks for Halloween. He knew about Jasper and the guys, and he got pissed off. It was the first time I'd ever seen him that way, and I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to lose him, but I wasn't about to not go home."

Her eyes filled with tears that began to spill over, and I wondered what she was holding back.

"We argued, but he calmed down, and he seemed to get over it. He apologized, but as the trip got closer, he became more distant. We talked less and made out more. He got more aggressive, and he started pushing me to go further even though I told him I wasn't ready. He told me he was scared to lose me, that I was everything to him. He begged me not to go."

I realized there was more to it than "arguing" when her tears began dripping off her chin. My eyes stung with tears of my own as I listened to her helplessly, rubbing her hand more forcefully to try to make her feel me.

"My mom and dad worked out the details of my trip, and they told me I could take a week off from school at the end of October. I flew up to Washington the Saturday before Halloween, and Jasper came with my dad to pick me up at the airport. We stayed up talking when he spent the night at my house that night. He knew all about James, and he was worried. He tried to convince me to break up with him when I got home, but I told him he didn't know James. He said he just didn't like the sound of it. I even wondered if he might be jealous."

Briefly, I was angry that Jasper had known about James and didn't say anything. Then I realized that there was no way I could be more pissed off at Jasper than he was at himself. I couldn't imagine the guilt I would feel if I had known something like that about Alice. It was no wonder he was so fiercely protective of her now. Even though I didn't like that his protectiveness extended to me, I definitely understood him a little more.

And I was grateful that he'd been there for her.

"We talked for a long time and never got anywhere, but I finally told him I'd at least think about telling my mom. We spent the rest of the week just having fun with Jessica and Rosalie and the guys. We went to parties and hung out and played, and it felt just like it always had. It felt good. We didn't talk about James again, but I missed him. Part of me couldn't wait to get back to Phoenix. I was worried about him being alone."

I wanted to growl when I heard her say she missed James. _That motherfucker. _

Thankfully, I was distracted when I caught the movement of her right hand and glanced down, realizing that her hand was wet and turning red. It looked so cold. I didn't want to interrupt her, so I carefully pulled my hand away from hers and leaned over, gently untying the towel. I removed the ice pack and set it on the nightstand before weaving my fingers between hers again.

"When I got back, he was still distant, and he became more erratic. He had wild mood swings, and sometimes he scared me. He would go for days without talking to me and then suddenly show up at my window, begging me to come out with him. I always went, and it seemed like the more distant he became and the worse he treated me, the tighter I held on. Sometimes he was so sweet and thoughtful, and it was those times that kept me going. I thought he was just under too much stress - maybe the sneaking around was getting to him. I told him that I was thinking about coming clean with my mom."

She sniffled and took a shuddering breath, and I felt a tear drop onto my cheek.

"He convinced me that that was a bad idea, and we kept meeting in secret for weeks. It seemed like we were always either fighting or fooling around with nothing in between. He…"

Her voice broke, and I watched as she nearly fell apart. It took all I had not to take her in my arms and hold her tightly. I didn't know how she'd react to that. Before I could decide, that fucking mask was back in place on her face, and she started talking again.

"James was angry all the time, and I could feel tension just coming off of him. Sometimes the way he looked at me scared the hell out of me, but by that point, I couldn't stand the thought of losing him. I had no friends in Phoenix, and things were even strained between Jasper and me. He was upset that I wouldn't tell my mom, and he'd threatened to tell her for me. We weren't speaking a lot. I didn't tell him about the changes in James because I knew he'd call Renee then. It was stupid, but I felt like I'd made the choice to be with James, and I had to see it out. I was too fucking proud."

I heard it in her voice. This was where part of her guilt came from – she thought that what that fucker did was _her_ fault because she was too proud. My hand stilled as I tried to keep from hitting something.

When she spoke again, her voice was low and harder to hear, so I leaned in a little closer. "It was a couple of weeks before Christmas break. We were at the factory, and James was being more demanding than usual. I was sick and had a fever, and I didn't feel like doing anything. I just wanted to talk. He had other plans. He kept kissing me and pawing at me, and I finally shoved him away. He…"

I was suddenly overwhelmed with the force of my emotions. I was confused about the "factory" – I didn't know what she meant. I was angry that he would be so concerned about himself while she was obviously sick, and I was fucking _furious_ that she told him no and he kept at it. I squeezed her hand to let her know I was there.

"He…hit me."

I had to pull my hand away as a surge of rage washed over me. He fucking _hit_ her?! My hands balled into fists, and I suddenly couldn't see anything around me as I had visions of finding this fucking monster and letting him see how it felt to be on the receiving end.

I struggled for control as I realized Bella was talking again. It was so hard to hear over the rush of blood through my veins and the grinding of my teeth.

"I made him take me home, and he apologized the whole way. I didn't speak to him for days, but I found flowers and little gifts everywhere I went. I finally started talking to him again. He kept telling me how much he loved me, how sorry he was…he said he couldn't live without me."

_Please…Bella, please don't listen to a word that asshole says._ I was begging her in my mind not to listen to him, though I knew it wouldn't do any good.

"He had actually been very sweet for a couple of weeks, and we'd been spending more time talking at the factory. I thought maybe we were past all of it. He seemed so much more like the James I met in September. Finally, he asked me to come out with him the next night…he said he had a surprise for me. I told him I'd go."

I heard the mention of the factory again and realized that must be somewhere they frequented. What was it? Where was it?

The questions helped me force myself to focus on her rather than my own anger. All I wanted to do was go beat the shit out of that motherfucker, but that was out of reach. For the moment. Bella, however, was here and needed me.

As I slowly calmed and returned my attention to Bella, I took her hand in both of mine, running my thumbs along her knuckles.

"I took awhile longer to get dressed that night. I put on his favorite skirt and a shirt I knew he liked, and I spent extra time on my hair and make-up."

Something in me ached when I realized that she'd tried so hard for him too. Her fingers trembled in my hands, and I caressed them gently, blinking back my tears as she paused for a long time.

"We were quiet as he drove out of town, but he glanced over at me and smiled a lot. He kept thanking me for going with him. He seemed excited about whatever my surprise was, and for the first time in a long time, it felt like we were a couple. I hadn't realized how…used…I'd been feeling."

My heart broke when I heard her say she'd felt used. She should never feel that way. I was determined that she never would again. I felt a rush of remorse for the way I'd once behaved, and I wondered how often I'd made women feel used before I forced that away too.

This was about my Bella.

"When we got there, he led me to the third floor where we always talked, and there were blankets spread on the floor. We sat down and talked for awhile, and then he kissed me. At first, it was fine, but then he started pushing me further. He was pawing at me, grabbing me all over, and I was so frustrated that he was back to that."

Her voice was plaintive and frightened before she grew quiet. She was nearly panting, and I realized the worst was coming. Rage began to overtake the sorrow I felt for her, and my grip on her hand tightened.

"I stood up and demanded he take me home. He told me he wasn't taking me home unless I slept with him, and for the first time, I was really afraid of him. I tried to leave, but he caught me."

She grew utterly silent, her eyes focused on something far away. Her chin was quivering, and her whole body trembled. The longer she was quiet, the harder I gripped her fingers, trying to bring her back to me. I couldn't stand the sight of her sitting there, crying silently. Her face was red and soaked with her tears. A huge spot was spreading on her shirt from where they dropped from her chin, darkening the black fabric.

Abruptly, I saw fresh pain on her face and realized with horror that _I_ was hurting her. I dropped her hand quickly, unable to just relax my hold. I couldn't control myself while touching her, so I pulled my hands away and watched as she folded in upon herself.

My tears flowed freely now as Bella woodenly knocked the pillow from her lap and brought her thighs to her chest. She wrapped her arms around her knees and curled toward them, sitting in a tight ball.

"I tripped and fell, and he kept telling me he knew I wanted him too. I heard him unbuckle his belt, and I couldn't think any more. I just ran. He liked chasing me. I think it excited him. He stayed right behind me, and he could have grabbed me any time, but he didn't."

_Oh god_.

He had been playing games with her. I hadn't realized what a sadistic bastard he was. I watched helplessly as Bella's hands balled into fists against her shins.

"When I got to the stairs, I nearly fell. I thought for a minute James was trying to save me. But he didn't. He pushed me down the stairs, and I tumbled almost all the way to the bottom."

I felt my grip on reality slip as I saw a flash of Bella falling down the stairs. I growled at the image, and my jaw clenched.

"I tried to make myself move, but I couldn't. I hurt so badly, and then his weight was on me. He grabbed hold of my hair, and he was saying so many awful things. He called me names, saying I was a whore, and he kept telling me it was my fault. If I hadn't teased him and turned him away, he wouldn't have to do what he was doing."

Bella sniffled, and the sound pulled me back to the present. I looked at her to see that the emotionless mask had fallen away, and she looked so utterly broken. I actually hoped for the mask to return to help ease some of the suffering I saw in her eyes. I felt nothing but anger, hatred, and absolute disgust for James…how fucking sick do you have to be to leave someone this way?

"He…" Bella paused. "He hit me a few times. My head kept hitting the stairs, and it nearly knocked me out. I was just lying there, and I couldn't even make myself fight back. My arms felt detached from my body."

I realized as she spoke how clinical it all sounded now. I knew the true horror of it must have been so much worse. This had all the facts but none of the experience.

And God help me, I was thankful for that.

"He moved, and I felt him push his pants down before I heard something tear. It was a condom wrapper, they told me later. He tore my underwear away and said he'd find out if I was really a virgin or not."

I nearly lost it. I didn't know if I could listen to the rest. I knew where this was going, and I was sick to the core for what she had been through. I just wanted to break something. I wanted to snatch her up into my arms and hold her there safe forever.

I couldn't stand that this happened to anyone, especially not my Bella.

"He raped me. I don't know how long it lasted. I blacked out for part of it, I think. I came to when he slapped me, but I didn't even look at him. I just kept staring ahead. He fingers dug into my cheeks. He turned my face to his, and I closed my eyes, but he told me I'd better open them. When I finally looked at him, he told me that if anyone found out it was him, he wouldn't go after me. He'd make sure it was my mom next time."

She was sobbing, her face still that expressionless mask though her teeth now bit into her bottom lip. I was going numb. My brain was shutting down. It was too much.

My eyes dried as I began feeling hollow.

"He threw me down the second flight of stairs, and I don't really remember much else until I woke up in the hospital. My mom had gotten worried when I didn't come out of my room the next morning, and she went to check on me. She called my dad when she couldn't find me, and he got the police involved. They showed my picture around and got lucky. Some kid said he'd seen me before and pointed in the direction of the old factory. They thought I was dead at first."

I was bothered by the way she said she was thrown down the stairs. It was nonchalant, an afterthought. Everything else was so horrible that it barely registered as more than a fact to her.

"I had a broken leg, four broken ribs, and cuts and bruises all over my body. The worst cuts were lacerations on my back from the stairs. I lost a lot of blood, and they kept me in the hospital for a long time. I wouldn't speak. Jasper and his mom came down when they heard what happened. He asked me if it was James, but I couldn't even look at him. When he didn't get an answer, he told the police everything he knew about James, and they started a search. They finally picked him up at the Mexican border."

I listened woodenly as she listed her injuries and explained the aftermath. At least they got the bastard.

"It turned out that I wasn't the only one James had raped. Three other girls came forward, though mine was the most violent. The others had had injuries they could hide. They were too embarrassed and scared to tell anyone. I wonder sometimes if I would have told anyone if Jasper hadn't done it for me."

I closed my eyes tightly, sickened that this had happened more than once. I heard Bella's breathing begin to return to normal, and I opened my eyes again, studying her face as the sound brought with it my own feelings.

"The whole time I was in the hospital and even afterwards, I didn't talk to anyone. I wouldn't answer questions. I didn't even talk to Jasper. I was too embarrassed to look at him. He stayed by my bed as often as they would let him until he had to go back to Forks. I still hadn't spoken when he left. He just sat there, day after day, holding my hand and trying to get me to talk. I couldn't. I wasn't even really there."

A surge of gratitude for Jasper rose up in me. He couldn't have been more than seventeen when all of this happened, and he stayed by her. He had been so strong…I wondered if I would have been. I couldn't imagine how broken she would have been if not for him.

"After he left, my room was too quiet. Suddenly, I wanted to talk to someone, but I just…I couldn't face Jasper. I was so ashamed of myself. If I'd listened to him, none of it would have happened. So I called Jessica instead."

Bella sighed, and I realized the words she'd been using – ashamed, embarrassed. Something in me shattered as I realized she had been ashamed of herself. She'd done nothing wrong.

My already-prominent rage at James grew exponentially.

"Jessica, Jasper, and I had been inseparable for years, and she was always easy for me to talk to. Normally I chose Jasper, but there were some things I went to Jessica for. She was a little surprised to hear from me. Jasper had told her what happened and that I wasn't speaking. She asked me what really happened to me, and it just came pouring out…all of it. Even my fears that what he said was true – it was my fault."

I watched as she closed her eyes and rested her chin on her knees. I wanted to yell at her that it wasn't her fault – not at all. Surely she had to know that.

"Calling Jessica was one of the worst things I've ever done. She told me it was true – it was my fault. She said I'd been leading Jasper on for years, and that it was no wonder James snapped."

I hissed before I could stop myself. Although I didn't know what happened with Rosalie, I understood Bella's earlier rage and her desire to just…go. To do. I couldn't take sitting here anymore. It was too much. I needed to fucking kill someone.

"They made me start therapy before they'd let me out of the hospital. The first few months were the worst. Everything I saw reminded me of James, and I had panic attacks constantly. When summer came around, I moved back to Forks, and things started to get a little better. I tried to stop therapy for awhile, but Jasper talked me into it again. I had to go back to Phoenix for James' trial, and that sort of started everything over again. My senior year of high school was rough. Jessica and her new friend Lauren were merciless, but in some ways, dealing with their torment helped keep my focus away from my memories. I just…existed. I got up. I went to school. I ate. I slept. But time passed, and I started getting better. After we graduated, Jasper and I were both going to U Dub, and he asked me if I would move in with him."

I watched as she began to unfold, stretching her legs out and leaning against the headboard again. Her eyes were more in focus, and she looked down at her fingers in her lap as she spoke. I felt a strong sense of pride for her. Despite how horrendous all of this was, she came through it somehow. My gratitude for Jasper strengthened again as I tried to imagine how hellish it had been. I remembered him saying that I didn't know how bad it could get, and I realized that he was right. I couldn't even take _this_ – and I was sure she was far better now than she had been in the beginning.

"After a couple of years, things were pretty okay. I had nightmares a lot, but I was having way fewer panic attacks. I stopped therapy, which pissed Jasper off, but it had stopped doing anything for me. I wasn't making any more progress, but at least I wasn't regressing. I…umm…I've had a harder time lately, and I've had more episodes in the last few months than I've had in the last few years because…well, because there's a lot of…shit I just haven't dealt with."

As I took in what she was saying, my gratitude faded into the background. This was still a struggle for her. Daily.

Every ounce of fucking rage I'd felt flooded through me again. I hated the bastard. I was utterly disgusted that someone like him was even given a trial.

My hands were fisted against my knees, my jaw clenched, and I was staring ahead, not really seeing Bella any more.

I needed to fucking kill.

Bella's gasp distracted me, and my eyes focused on her. I was horrified to see fresh tears fill her eyes as she looked at me. She sobbed and then ran, throwing herself from the bed as she stumbled to her bathroom. The door slammed, and I heard the noise as she dropped to the floor.

I was utterly confused for a moment, and I tried to figure out what happened. I realized suddenly how I must have looked to her – glaring ahead, my hands in fists, all the hate, anger, and disgust I felt glowing in my eyes.

And she thought all of this was her fault.

Hadn't she said it enough?

I sat completely still on the bed for a moment, tormented by the realization that Bella had thought I was angry with _her_.

_Still thinks_.

_Fuck!_

I followed Bella's path to the bathroom. I was so afraid of what I would find. Would she send me away?

"Bella?" I called softly as I reached the door.

My heart was crushed when her choked voice said, "Go-" and broke off.

I couldn't bear the thought of her hurt and alone on the other side of the door, so I tried the knob. It turned, but when I slowly opened the door, it bumped against something. "Bella, let me in," I pleaded with her.

_Please don't let her turn me away. Let me atone. Give me another chance. Let me make her life happier. Please._

My litany continued in my mind. I drew a shaky breath when I heard her croak, "Go away, Edward!"

I couldn't leave her. There was no place for me without her.

I tried to keep my voice gentle and keep the desperation out of my tone as I said, "I don't fucking think so, Bella. I'm not going anywhere. Please let me in."

_God, please…_

But Bella's voice cried, "Why? Just go away…"

She didn't want me. She wanted me to leave.

But I didn't believe that. I'd just hurt her…she didn't understand.

_How can she not know I adore her?_

It was all my fault.

I willed her to give me a chance as I said, "Bella, I have to tell you something, and I really don't want to do it through the door. Please, love…please let me in." I let my forehead thump against the door in my agony.

_Please…_

She didn't answer. I waited in silence, holding my breath, until I heard her shift on the other side of the door. I felt a thrill run through me. I ached for her. I needed to hold her. I needed her to understand how deeply I loved her.

I needed to see how she loved me.

I pushed the door open slowly, and I saw her sitting on the floor with her back to the cabinet. She didn't look up, so I moved in carefully and stepped in front of her. I saw her face twist and her lower lip quiver as she saw my feet.

_Fucking hell…look what you've done._

In that moment, I resolved to tell her how I felt. All of it. My own fears of rejection were nothing compared to the things she'd been through. She was so fucking strong – she deserved a man who was strong, too.

I lowered myself to the floor and spread my legs on either side of her, taking both her hands in mine. I noticed we were both trembling as I asked her to look at me.

At first, I didn't think she was going to. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath.

_Please, Bella…look at me, love._

It was harder to see her as tears filled my eyes. How _dare_ I make her doubt me? Doubt herself?

Then my brave Bella raised her chin and opened her eyes.

My mind worked to find the words I wanted to say, but in the end, I just looked into her eyes and let whatever came to mind come out. I was tired of measuring each word, making sure I held back just enough to not get hurt. Bella deserved better than that from me.

Still, it was hard, and my voice was a whisper as I said, "I can only imagine the horrors you've seen, and I can't tell you how sorry I am that you had to go through that. I am so proud of you for being able to tell me your story, and I am so fucking humbled that you trust me and want to try again for me. Bella, there's no excuse for how long it's taken me to tell you this, but I am so completely in love with you. Nothing you tell me could ever drive me away from you, and I'm so sorry for making you think you had."

I was expecting her tears this time, though I had to study her face to determine the emotion behind them. I dropped one of her hands as I lifted mine to brush away the tears spilling onto her cheek. "Please, love…please don't cry," I said. A part of me seemed to die with each tear.

Bella sobbed and threw herself at me, reminding me intensely of the first time I'd held her. She settled between my legs and wrapped her arms around me with her face in the crook where my neck met my shoulder. After a little while, we both began to relax, and I kissed her head from time to time. Through all the other emotions that were still coursing through me, I was beginning to feel…happy. I had told Bella I was in love with her, and she was still here, in my arms.

Suddenly she raised her head, and I heard her say, "Look at me, Edward," in a soft voice.

I obeyed, and as I was turning to her, she placed a lingering kiss on my cheek. Her lips were warm against my skin, and I felt an urgent longing for her before she pulled away again. I looked into her eyes as she quietly said, "I love you, Edward."

I had never heard anything so beautiful, and I could feel a ridiculous smile on my face as I said aloud the words I'd wanted to say for so long. "I love you too, Bella."

I had to touch her, to trace the smile on her face, so I moved my right hand up and did just that. I ran my fingers lightly along her cheekbones, her jaw, her chin, and I loved that Bella did the same to me. She was looking at me with the same sense of wonder that I felt. Tonight had been such a mix of emotions that I felt drained, but there was nothing that could take the place of this moment.

Bella smiled again, and I smiled in response before I shifted and realized my ass was asleep.

_Nothing like reality setting in…_

I winced and grinned at her, saying, "Ready to get up off this floor?"

She nodded and then held out her hand to me as she stood up. I watched in amazement as she seemed to be back to herself. How could she get over telling such a horrible story so quickly? I still felt like I'd been run over, and I had a feeling I would for a long time. I took her hand, standing as I marveled at her resiliency. Her smile just brought everything into focus, and I was overcome with love for her. I pulled her close, holding her tightly as I breathed, "God, I love you." I had never meant anything more.

Bella's face was pressed against my chest as she said, "I love you too."

I let her go, and she stepped to the side, allowing me to lead the way back into her bedroom. From behind me, I heard her ask, "Where are Jasper and the rest of them?"

I didn't answer at first as I made my way over to the recliner and sat down. I smiled at her softly as she walked over and sat in my lap. I pulled her to me, and she rested her head on my shoulder as I finally answered, "They…left…when we came in here to talk. I heard them trying to talk Jasper into getting something to eat."

"Jasper didn't want to leave," she said, and her voice was certain.

"Ahh…no. No, not really," I said, wondering if I should tell her more about it. There was an understanding look in her eyes, though, and I was pretty sure she knew what had happened. I had a feeling Jasper and I would be having another talk sometime soon.

Bella yawned, and I asked her if she was tired. I knew I was exhausted. She nodded against my chest, so I said, "Why don't you go to bed? Do you think you can sleep?"

I knew she had nightmares…I wondered if talking about her past triggered them. I hated the thought of leaving her, though, and I was pleasantly surprised when she grabbed onto my shirt and said, "I don't want you to go."

I smiled and kissed the top of her head, reassuring her that I would be here. I told her she should go lie down, though. She definitely needed her rest.

She raised her head to look at me, and I was shocked by what she said next. "You need to rest too. Will you…hold me?"

Here I was, touched that she wanted me to stay…and now she wanted me to sleep beside her? It seemed too much, especially given the night she'd had. Still…I wasn't going to pass it up if she was serious. I wanted to do anything at all she wanted me to – and selfishly, I definitely wanted to hold her all night. I had to know, though, so I asked, "Are you sure, Bella? I can stay here. I won't leave you."

She looked up at me and traced my lower lip with her thumb as she smiled. "I'm sure, Edward…I..." I watched as she bit her bottom lip. "I feel safe with you."

There was no indecision or hesitation in her eyes. Why? Why me?

I looked at her carefully, and she looked so...sure. Maybe she knew I could never hurt her. I could sooner hurt myself.

Whatever it was, I decided to just accept it and be thankful. I smiled at her and hugged her close to me as I whispered, "Oh Bella…" She shifted, and I realized that her sitting on my lap had combined with our declarations, making my body respond most favorably.

_Fuck._

How the hell was I supposed to sleep beside her and expect her not to feel how she affected me?

_I bet she wears the X-Men shirt._ My inner voice was gleeful, and I nearly groaned in response.

I needed a minute alone.

I stood, carrying Bella with me as I walked across the room. I set her down on the edge of the bed and said, "I think I could use some water…do you want anything?" as I leaned over to pick up the dish towel and melted ice pack. It was a lame excuse, but it was the best I could come up with at the moment.

Bella just said, "Water sounds perfect," with a smile.

I said, "I'll be right back," and smiled at her before I escaped to the hallway. As I walked, I worried. What if I fucked up? It's not like I could control my body's reactions while I was awake, much less while I was sleeping. The last thing I wanted was for Bella to think I was pushing her.

But fucking hell…the thought of getting to hold her all night – her body pressed against mine as she slept…it was so tempting. I knew I wouldn't be able to tell her I changed my mind.

I tossed the ice pack back in the freezer and hung the towel from the oven door handle to dry. As I was grabbing a couple of glasses, a thought struck me.

Maybe it would be good for Bella to see how she affected me…to know it didn't control me. She had been so guarded and protected for so long. Maybe she needed to be introduced to it all slowly.

I wasn't really paying attention as I filled our glasses with water from the refrigerator door. I was too busy examining this new idea. I couldn't tell if it made sense or if I was just a horny bastard who was looking for any excuse to let my dick touch Bella, no matter how many layers of clothes we were wearing.

The thought sickened me. Surely I wasn't that guy.

I placed both glasses on the counter and leaned against it, bowing my head for a moment as I thought.

It was no use. My brain had absorbed too much tonight, and there was no room for any sort of logic. I took a deep breath and picked up our glasses, realizing I was just going to have to go into this blindly.

I thought of Bella and realized that above all of it, I loved her. I could do this. I could make her feel safe tonight. We could worry about the rest of that shit later.

When I walked back into her room, Bella was just straightening from her nightstand, X-Men shirt in hand.

_Damn._

She smiled and nodded toward the bed. I glanced over and saw a pair of plaid flannel pants as she said, "Those are for you…I thought they might be more comfortable." She continued talking, explaining that she would change in the bathroom while I changed out here, but my mind was still in a bit of a fog.

I just nodded and smiled at her, telling her it sounded fine to me.

The bathroom door clicked close, and I put our water on the nightstand. I unfastened my jeans and let them drop to the floor before I pulled on the flannel pants. They fit pretty well – they must've been Jasper's.

Of course, the unfortunate thing about thin flannel is that my problem was even more obvious now. I climbed into bed, slipping under the covers. I wondered which side Bella normally slept on, but I couldn't tell, so I just settled in on the side closest to the door. It was stupid, but at least someone coming in would have to get through me first.

I turned my mind away from anything remotely sexual – or connected with the history Bella had let me in on tonight – and began drinking my water. My eyes wandered to the comic box sitting on the shelf near her recliner, and I distracted myself by wondering which ones she had inside. I was feeling more normal when Bella emerged, and I saw a happy smile on her face. I had to smile in return.

She climbed into bed beside me, and it just felt so damn good. I thought about how far we'd come in the time we'd known each other. It seemed unbelievable that not that long ago, I'd talked to Emmett about taking what I could get with her – just being her friend.

I was glad Em had called me on my bullshit.

I handed Bella her glass, and we drank our water as we talked, letting the ridiculously heavy conversations of today drift away as we relaxed. I knew we'd probably talk about some of it again, but for now, we needed to let go. I gave a yawn so big my jaws actually creaked, and Bella laughed at me. I could tell my grin was lazy as I looked over at her.

I moved to lie down on the bed, holding out my arm toward her. Bella cuddle up close to me, her warm body pressed against mine as she rested her head on my chest. Her arm was thrown across me with her hand on my shoulder, and her left thigh was just on top of mine.

God, she felt so good.

Reaching over, I turned off the lamp, and the room was plunged into darkness. Bella whispered, "Good night, Edward," and I smiled to hear her say it in my arms. I realized how much I hoped this became something normal for us. I could spend the rest of my life hearing Bella tell me good night just before she drifted off to sleep beside me.

I softly said, "Sweet dreams, my Bella," and I heard her inhale deeply. I listened to her breathing as it grew more rhythmic, and I slowly came to understand that my fears from earlier was unnecessary. Yes, Bella aroused me like no one else ever had. But she also made me want to be a better man. Someone who deserved her. And to be that man, I would do everything in my power to make her safe and happy. She had nothing at all to fear from me.

As I lay there in the dark, I learned more about myself. I regretted my past, but I realized that I wasn't that guy any more. I had grown and changed, and I hoped that – someday – it would all add up to that man Bella deserved. I knew I would spend each day of my life trying.

I thought back to the night we met, remembering my reaction and the instant recognition I'd felt with her. I needed to tell her. But her breathing was slow and regular, and I didn't want to wake her. I'd tell her soon. For now, though, I just needed to say it, so I placed my hand on her forearm across my chest and murmured, "Twice or thrice had I loved thee, before I knew thy face or name…"


	4. My Love's Sphere

_**A/N:**__ This is EPOV of the end of Chapter 22 "Some Lovely Glorious Nothing" in "Just One of the Guys." This chapter is for Pinkieward's Bitches, who wanted a glimpse into the mind of our favorite guy ;)_

_Several people asked about the title to that chapter in reviews and PMs, so I thought I'd explain just a bit :)_

_The phrase "some lovely glorious nothing" is in a line from "Air and Angels." It refers to the pure love that humans can sense but not grasp, and it is that glorious nothing that has to take a physical form so that it can be recognized and embraced. Obviously, in this instance, it is meant to reference the physical form of Edward's love that can be found as Bella._

_More A/N at the bottom – for now, let's get to the good stuff ;)_

**********

_I stood there, struggling to breathe normally as I watched her. I didn't know how much time had passed, but each second felt interminable. I studied her face, noticing her cheeks were reddened and soaked from the rain and her tears. I saw Bella lick her lips before she breathed the words I'd been dying to hear from her. "Will you kiss me?"_

_I froze. My thumbs stopped moving on her cheeks, and I think I even stopped breathing. I was so utterly torn. I wanted nothing more than to kiss her, and she was standing here, asking me to do just that. But why? Was she just doing this for me? Was she trying to prove something? Was this what she really wanted?_

_My questions were forgotten and any resistance broken when I heard my Bella whisper softly, "Edward…please…"_

**EPOV**

Bella's quiet words and the pleading expression on her face forced everything else away. There were no more doubts or worries. I was left with only love and desire for the exquisite woman standing before me, begging me to kiss her. I couldn't deny her any longer. I couldn't deny _myself_ any longer.

I took a step closer to her, and I could feel her heat through our drenched clothes as her body made contact with mine. My eyes were locked onto hers as I slid my hands back, my thumbs just in front of her ears as my fingers moved to the back of her neck beneath her sodden hair. I gently pulled her to me as I leaned in.

_Give her one last chance._

"Are you sure?" I forced myself to whisper, my lips only inches from hers.

_Please say yes._

She tentatively licked her lips as she nodded, but my lips were on hers before she'd even finished. For a moment, I was lost in the soft sweetness of the contact, too far gone to realize Bella had frozen. Her lips were arranged in a hard line against mine, and I could feel the tension in her jaw even as her hands came up to grab my face.

Her palms pressed tightly against my cheeks as I tried to back away, dismayed that our kiss had caused her to panic. Before I could do anything, she said, "No…wait, please…it's okay…"

Her voice held a calmness I hadn't expected, and it helped me relax slightly as I waited for her. I was afraid to move too suddenly, worried that I would frighten her more, so I stayed where she held me. My jaw clenched as I tried to look at her to read her expression, but she was too close.

It was with surprise that I felt her cheeks lift as she smiled, and my own smile formed in response. I was so relieved that she had worked through her fear, but more than that I was proud of her. She relaxed visibly, her shoulders dropping a bit as her grip on my face loosened. She again tilted her head toward mine, and this time she was the one to place a gentle kiss on my lips. I stood there for a moment, simply enjoying the feeling and trying to let her take things at her pace before I could stand it no longer.

Wet clothes, the freezing wind, and the infernal rain were forgotten as I wrapped my arm around her waist, pulling her as close as I possibly could. I kept one hand on her cheek, a reminder to take this slow…keep it sweet. I ignored the raw desire I felt for her and focused instead on the love, tenderness, and pride that were swelling in my chest.

Bella's hands moved from my cheeks, her fingers tangling in my hair. She pulled lightly, bringing me closer, and I bit back a growl as I forced myself to keep from deepening our kiss. It was enough to have her lips pressed against mine. Her body was molding to mine, yielding to me, trusting me, and I was overcome with the understanding of how much she really did love me.

Our kiss was wholly innocent, but my body was beginning to respond in ways that were anything but, and I didn't know how much longer I could hold back. At last, I had to break away, but I rested my forehead against hers, eager to keep the close contact. I released my hold on her waist and brought both hands to her cheeks, giving us some much needed space as I traced her cheekbones with my thumbs. "Oh, Bella…" I whispered, unable to find words beyond that to express the awe I felt for her.

I wanted to tell her how incredibly proud of her I was for facing her fear. I wanted to tell her how humbled I was that she would try so hard to overcome it for me. I wanted to tell her that I would try just as hard to be what she needed and never let her down.

Before I could say any of those things, though, a muted cheer of "Go Bella!" escaped the apartment.

There was a struggle and the sound of something breaking as Jasper's voice said, "I told you to get away from the fucking window!"

I couldn't even bother being annoyed. My heart was so light that I felt like it would burst, and all I could do was laugh quietly with Bella as I stared into her eyes. They were so dark in the dim light from the streetlamps that they seemed almost black, but they were still so expressive, and I could see myself reflected in them, wrapped up in the love she felt for me.

As I watched, Bella's laughter transformed into a tender smile that matched the one on my face, full of nothing but happiness and love. Having just tasted the sweetness of her lips for the first time, I found I wanted to do so again.

I wanted more.

Somehow, the trust Bella so obviously placed in me helped me trust myself. I could handle this. I knew I could. I could kiss her again and again and again without scaring her, without losing control.

So I wrapped my arms around my Bella's waist and did just that. I brought her to me and kissed her gently, giving myself over to the sensation as I relished the fact that this kiss was purely out of love – neither of us had something to prove. I lifted her from the ground, needing her closer. My lips gently parted hers, and I was rewarded with a soft sigh from Bella as her lips began moving with mine. Our kiss was slow and sweet, and it had been so long since I'd felt something so pure.

It had been nearly ten years since I'd kissed someone this way, and there was no comparing the emotions behind the two. I had forgotten the purely innocent excitement that came with first kisses that meant something, and I felt such gratitude toward Bella for bringing something so good back into my life.

Before long, I felt desire stirring as I began to harden, and I slowly ended the kiss, not wanting to muddy such pure feelings with sexual frustration. We had plenty of time to explore that later. For now, all of my fears had faded away. I knew Bella loved me, and my heart was wholly hers. There were no walls left between us – my trust had been placed in her, and I knew she would not hurt me.

It was time to tell her.

Against her lips, I whispered, "Twice or thrice had I loved thee, before I knew thy face or name…"

Bella pulled away to look at me, as I knew she would. I met her gaze levelly, wanting her to see everything I felt shining in my eyes. I answered her unspoken question, saying simply, "It's always been you, Bella. I've waited my whole life for you, and I knew you the moment I saw you."

I watched as realization dawned in her eyes. She knew. She knew I was a changed man, whole and new – my soul had embraced the love it first recognized standing on a street corner outside a movie theater. The smile that spread across her face told me it was not one-sided. It couldn't be. She felt this too, just as strongly as I did.

Bella's fingers lightly traced my lips as she told me she loved me, and I whispered my declaration in return. Suddenly, she shivered and frowned. I asked her what was wrong, but I was surprised to realize that I knew it was nothing to do with me. I didn't feel that vague sense of dread that I had come to expect.

She confirmed that thought when she said, "I don't want you to go…"

"I'm not going anywhere, Bella," was my immediate answer. I smiled when I realized just how much I meant it.

She said, "No…I mean…I don't want you to leave tonight. Will you please stay with me?"

What a silly question. "Of course I'll stay…" I began, looking down at her. She was completely drenched, and her cheeks were red from the cold. "But we really need to go back inside now. We're fucking soaked."

Bella grinned up at me and hugged me close, her relief evident on her face. I took her hand and led her quickly back into the apartment, worried now about her standing out in the cold, rainy night.

As we closed the door behind us and made our way down the hallway, I glanced into the living room to see that, for the second time this weekend, everyone was silent and every eye was on us as I walked with Bella. I felt a sudden stab of annoyance. Did everyone always watch her every move so fucking closely? How did she stand it? Did she even notice it anymore?

I shook my head with a soft sigh. Bella opened her door and motioned me inside before she turned and walked toward Jasper's room. I went into the bathroom and began taking off my shoes and socks, eager to get rid of the waterlogged feeling. I was dripping water everywhere, and my toes were wrinkled and uncomfortable. I had the kind of chill that seems to reach the bone – the kind that only comes from standing out in the freezing rain in the middle of the night like a fucking moron.

_Definitely worth it._

I grinned as I nodded my agreement with the voices in my head. As I was straightening up, the shower caught my eye. A long, hot shower would be absolutely perfect right now – there was nothing like one for warming up. I knew Bella and I were nowhere near that point yet, though, and I wasn't about to ask her to wait while I took one.

I heard her coming down the hall and glanced at the door just in time to see her walk in. She stopped and looked at me, desire plain on her face. I actually felt myself standing up a little straighter, nearly posing for her as her eyes raked over me, and I didn't know whether I should be embarrassed or just fucking love the fact that _she_ was enjoying looking at me. In the end, I decided that it was just us…and I would enjoy the hell out of Bella ogling me any time she wanted.

I allowed my eyes to sweep slowly over her form as well, noticing the way her t-shirt was clinging to her. It was definitely appealing, but I was more concerned about the way her shoulders were hunched from the cold, and I just wanted her to get dry and changed. Before I could suggest it, Bella reached into the cabinet and pulled out a few towels. She placed them along with some clothes for me on the counter, and as I watched her, I realized that I really did want her – only her – always.

Bella was speaking, but I didn't hear what she said as I lost myself in simply looking at her. She was so gentle and caring, so beautiful. I knew I could spend my entire life just watching her and being with her. It was such a new feeling – this loving Bella without fear that she didn't love me in return - that it seemed almost overwhelming.

I smiled at the freedom such a feeling granted me, and when she came closer, I reached out, running my thumb along her bottom lip. There was no hesitation on her face, so I leaned in to claim those sweet, soft lips again. As I stood, she sighed with a look of complete contentment on her face, and I grinned, happy to have put that expression there.

_So fucking cute._

I frowned at first when Bella turned to go, but as she closed the door, a breeze blew through the bathroom, chilling me and making me immediately remember that I was utterly soaked. I shivered, and my teeth actually chattered as I quickly stripped out of my wet clothes. I hated the way the fabric clung to my skin, and it was a relief to finally be free of them.

I wrung my clothes out over the bathtub and began hanging them over the shower curtain rod. It was a little silly, but I put my t-shirt over my boxers, not wanting to have them sitting out in the open. I meticulously spread everything out, leaving enough room for Bella's things when she came back in.

It was then, as I was standing nude hanging up my socks, that I realized I hadn't locked the bathroom door.

_What if Bella comes back?_

In a moment of panic, I grabbed a towel and wrapped it around my waist, turning quickly toward the door as if I'd actually heard her coming back in. I heard laughter in my head and felt the heat on my cheeks even though there was no one around to witness my abject stupidity.

_Dude…even if she came in…so what?_

_I don't want her to see me like this!_

_Like…what? Naked? _I heard a snort from one of the voices. _Going to be a long, lonely life if you don't get over that one, Casanova._

I was muttering to myself as I took a few steps toward the door and locked it, then dried off quickly, trying to calm my nerves.

_I can think of better ways for Bella to see me naked for the first time rather than when I'm drenched and freezing._

_Good point._

I rolled my eyes as I finished drying off and scrubbed the towel through my hair. When I was as dry as I could get, I took the extra towel and mopped up the water that had dripped onto the floor and the side of the tub. After hanging the towels up, I dressed quickly, realizing Bella hadn't brought me any boxers. I wasn't quite sure how I would feel about wearing Jasper's underwear anyway, but going commando was certainly going to make things…interesting…when I slept in Bella's bed tonight. I just hoped the stupid button on the pants stayed closed.

I decided not to worry about it for now and nearly had the door opened before I realized that I didn't know where Bella was changing. I paused, sure she had probably mentioned it while I was busy staring at her. In the end, I couldn't remember anything, so I took a deep breath and unlocked the door before I opened it very slowly, working up the nerve to peek into her room.

_You know…it wouldn't be the end of the world if you saw her naked either._

_I do _not_ want my first sight of Bella to be as some fucking Peeping Tom leering at her out of her bathroom._

_Ugh. True. Yeah, good call._

I felt a fluttering of unease before I realized that she wasn't in her room. I exhaled with a smile and stood up again, walking out. I noticed the light in her closet was on, so I took a seat at the foot of her bed, facing the closet as I waited for her. Before long, the door opened, and she stepped out with a towel wrapped around her head. We both smiled brighter when we laid eyes on each other, making me feel that silly giddiness that I seemed to feel so often around her.

Without a word, she walked into the bathroom as I watched her go. I really didn't want to sit alone – I just wanted to be near her – so after a moment, I followed her since she'd left the door open. When I reached the doorway, I took in the sight of her. Her eyes were red-rimmed and a little puffy while her cheeks were still red from the cold rain. Her hair was wet and hanging in strings that she was trying to dry.

Watching her, I suddenly wanted to take care of her as she so often cared for me. She had become the most precious part of my life, and I wanted her to know it. She should be treated like the special person she was.

"Can I do that?" I asked as I stepped toward her, watching her confusion fade into a soft smile as I reached for the towel. She stood there stoically as I dried her hair in silence, neither of us feeling the need to speak. There was a kinship between us now that I was quickly growing to love. I enjoyed that moment of simply taking care of her.

When I finished, I asked for her brush to work out the tangles in her hair. I loved the look of happiness on her face, and I decided to do small things like this for her throughout our lives. She deserved to have someone care for her the way she cared for so many, and I would be a damn lucky man if she would let me be the one to do it.

I really wasn't thinking of anything in particular as I brushed Bella's hair. I was just enjoying being close to her and touching her so innocently. It was only when I was nearly finished that I realized that she was standing there, completely relaxed as I moved behind and all around her. She hadn't tensed once, and she seemed perfectly content where she was.

I placed her brush on the counter and stepped behind her once more, moving slowly as I kept my eyes on hers in the mirror. I put my arms around her waist, my palms resting against her sides as I kissed her cheek and whispered, "I love you so much, Bella…thank you for trusting me…for everything…"

She watched my reflection for only a moment before she turned and pulled me into her embrace. She placed a light kiss on my lips, and I felt myself relaxing against her. When she began to pull away, I leaned a little closer, holding onto that contact for just a second longer before she broke away. As she had so many times before, she floored me when she whispered some of the sweetest words I'd ever heard.

"Thank you for not giving up on me," she said. "I've never loved anyone more."

We gazed into each others' eyes before Bella let me go. She slipped one of her hands into mine, and before I could react, she turned and led me out of the bathroom. My eyes were wide as I followed behind her, and I was careful to keep my steps even and light. I stayed as far away from her as our outstretched arms would allow, very aware of her measured breathing and the tension I felt in her fingertips.

When we reached the living room, I squeezed her hand lightly, trying to convey the pride I felt for her. She was working to overcome so many of her fears, and she had come so far in just this one night. She didn't glance back at me as she walked into the room and returned to her seat on the floor. The guys were spread out around the room much as they had been before, and it would have been easy to believe that nothing had happened.

Emmett was so excited he was practically vibrating as he sat beside Rosalie, grinning at me like a fucking fool. I chuckled and returned his smile, and he flashed me a thumbs-up like we were twelve years old while both Bella and Rosalie were busy reading. I half-expected him to mime kissing someone, but he restrained himself.

Felix was now sitting up on the couch, and Bella was in the floor, leaning back against it. I sat down beside her, glancing around casually as I took stock of where everyone else was. The _Risk_ game in the dining room had ended, and Alex, Jane, Paul, and Quil were setting up _Trivial Pursuit_ on the table. Surprisingly, Jane seemed to be acting like a normal person, and she and Quil were teasing Alex, who was actually laughing. Finally seeing them relaxed, I could maybe see a bit of how they fit into the group, but they still didn't make a lot of sense to me.

Jake had now joined everyone else in the living room, and he was sitting in the recliner a few feet away, just in my line of sight while I was watching Jane and the others. He was reading a manual and looked natural…except for the way his knuckles were turning white as he gripped the edges of his book.

_Fucker's going to be a problem._

_You think?_

I sighed quietly just as Alice and Jasper finally walked into the room. Both of them looked a little rumpled, and Jasper grinned and leaned down to whisper something that made her giggle. As he was bent over, Alice reached up and straightened his hair before he kissed her on the neck.

_Ugh._

I didn't need to see that shit. It was bad enough to know it was going on.

I shook my head and was about to pick up a book again when Bella caught my eye with a grin. She rolled her eyes in Jasper's direction and giggled, making me smile. As I looked at her, I realized that, sometime soon, we could be the ones making _them_ sick, and I smirked.

Leaning back against the couch, I opened the _Monster Manual_ and began working on some more of the note cards. Bella settled close against my side, and we worked largely in silence as conversations started and stopped around us. After a few minutes, Jared plopped down on the floor in front of us as he said, "Hey, B? Got a sec?"

She said she did and marked her place in her book with her finger, leaning forward with her elbows on her knees as she looked at the book Jared had brought with him. They fell into an easy discussion about paladins, and I shook my head with a grin as I returned to my work.

Before I could get far, I felt a tap on my shoulder and turned to see Felix leaning toward me. "Hey man," he said, "some of us are playing basketball in the morning – you in?"

As I was saying it sounded good to me, I heard Emmett's voice say, "Hell yes! Told you he'd be in. We're gonna fucking _school _you!"

Felix laughed and said, "School me? Does anyone even say that shit anymore?"

I snickered and then ignored the rest of their trash talking. I went back to my reading, realizing that I was much more relaxed now, and I tried to decide if it was because the guys were acting differently or if I was just seeing things differently since I'd kissed Bella. I really had no fucking clue.

Thoughts of kissing Bella brought a small, quiet smile to my lips, and I glanced up, wanting to see her. Jared had returned to his seat, and Bella was watching me with a thoughtful look on her face. When our eyes met, she smiled before she leaned over slowly and kissed me gently.

My eyes drifted closed as my hand lifted to caress her cheek, and then I heard something snap. Both our heads turned in confusion just as Embry stood and stretched with his arms over his head. He groaned as he lowered them again and said, "Fuck, it's getting late…we'd better go back to the hotel if we're going to keep from getting _schooled_ by Emmett in the morning."

He grinned at Emmett, who laughed, and I noticed that he'd drawn everyone's attention on purpose. I was trying to figure out what, exactly, he was trying to take attention away from…right up until I saw the snapped pencil in Jake's hand.

_He's going to fucking lose it soon._

I sighed, wondering if it was going to come down to a fight. I shook my head, standing up as we helped everyone put books away and gather everything they'd brought with them. People were talking loudly, carrying on several different conversations as we herded everyone down the hall. After goodbyes were said and Emmett and Felix taunted each other a bit more, the guys were all finally out the door.

The apartment seemed strangely quiet afterward, and the six of us who were left stood staring at each other for a moment before Emmett chuckled and said, "You two better be ready to play tomorrow, man. I can't have Felix beating us."

Jasper and I both laughed, assuring him we would be as Emmett opened the closet and pulled out coats for both him and Rosalie. I watched him help her into hers and smirked. He was definitely learning. As they were saying goodbye to everyone, I realized that he was taking her back to her hotel – again. They already seemed so comfortable together, and they were acting…well, like a couple.

_Huh._

I was still musing over their developing relationship as they were hugging everyone. I definitely needed to talk to Emmett soon and figure out what the hell was going on. I hoped he had listened when I told him to take things slow. He seemed to be handling it well, at least – he was all smiles and jokes, and he looked really happy for the first time in a long time.

As Rosalie was hugging me, she whispered, "Be good to her."

I answered quietly, "I will be."

She squeezed me once more and kissed my cheek, saying, "I know…that's why you're still standing." She grinned as she pulled away, and I had to chuckle.

_Emmett better watch his ass with that one._

After the two of them left, Jasper locked the door and then said, "Hey, do you guys mind if Bella and I talk for a minute?"

I felt my slight frown as I tried to figure out what it was about, but I shook my head, telling them it was fine with me. Bella looked confused as well as she followed Jasper down the hall to his room. Alice wandered into the living room, and I went with her. I figured she'd know what was up. She always did.

I didn't get a chance to ask her, though, because as we sat down on the couch, Alice said, "I saw you outside!" in a teasing, singsong voice.

I tried to scowl at her, but I just grinned instead. Alice laughed and told me she was really happy for us. She asked how things were going, and I said, "This week has been a little fucking stressful, honestly…just everyone around all the time. But Bella and I are great." I shrugged as I glanced toward Jasper's closed door.

Alice giggled. "Relax," she said. "He's just making sure she doesn't mind if we stay at my place tonight."

My eyes widened and swung back to her. "Really?"

She nodded and said, "Yeah. You're not the only ones who've been feeling cramped, you know. We've been so busy lately that we haven't had any time alone."

I decided to tease her, making a face at the idea of the two of them having "alone time." She hit me on the arm and said, "Oh, whatever. You should be thanking me for getting you a whole night – unsupervised – with your _girlfriend_." Her eyes were dancing as she grinned at me.

We talked and taunted each other for a few minutes more until Jasper's door opened and the two of them came out. Both of us stood and went to meet them. Bella took my hand, and together we walked Alice and Jasper to the door. I let myself imagine for a moment that this was our apartment, and we were saying goodnight to them as they left to go back home. The thought put a huge smile on my face that was still there when Jasper turned to me, giving me a stern look that could only be described as fatherly. He didn't say anything, and I tried my best to curb the giddy expression on my face so I wouldn't worry him.

After they'd put on their coats and we'd said goodnight for the third time that night, we stepped outside with them and waved as they got in Jasper's truck. As they pulled away, we went back inside, and Bella locked the door. She turned to me and said, "So…" with a smile.

We'd been surrounded by so many people for so long that I was just glad to be alone with her finally. In silence, I stepped closer and gathered her in my arms, happy just to be holding her again. Bella tilted her head upward, looking at me with that quiet smile still on her face. She lifted slightly on her toes, and I lowered my head, our lips meeting in a soft kiss.

I don't know how long we stood in the hallway, pressed against each other as our lips moved tenderly together. My arms were tight around Bella's waist, and her hands were locked behind my neck, her fingers idly stroking my hair. I didn't recall moving, but by the time we parted, I was leaning back against the wall, while Bella was resting against me.

She smiled softly as her eyes drifted open, and her hands slid slowly down, coming to rest on my shoulders. Her smile became more playful as she said, "God, I fucking love kissing you…"

We laughed quietly as I said, "Yeah, it's pretty fucking awesome to kiss you too." I gave her another small kiss to illustrate my point, and then we stood there watching each other in comfortable silence.

Finally, Bella said, "So umm…are you tired? Did you want to do something?"

"Well," I answered, "I guess we're already dressed for bed…" Bella giggled, and I tried to keep my thoughts on sleep alone.

_Well, sleep and holding her._

_That's alright, right?_

_And kissing her._

_Yes, kissing her._

_And…_

I shook my head, thankful when Bella said, "I guess we should go to bed since you have to help Emmett school Felix in a few hours."

I chuckled and started to walk down the hall, but Bella stepped in front of me and said softly, "I want to do this." I smiled at her and nodded quietly, staying a few feet back as she went through the apartment turning off lights. She didn't look back once, and I saw her shoulders stiffen only one time before she took a deep breath and relaxed, never missing a step.

She was giddy by the time we made it to her room, and she gave a small giggle as she actually hopped onto her bed. She turned around and looked at me, patting the space beside her with a playful expression on her face. I started to walk to her slowly, carefully…but her mood was infectious, and I found myself jumping lightly onto the bed beside her. I tickled her without thinking about it, and she threw back her head and laughed, falling backward onto the mattress. I tickled her more, and she was soon squirming and gasping for breath as I laughed with her.

When she started kicking, I stopped, and I rose up on one elbow, looking down at her as I brushed the hair away from her face. She had the sweetest, happiest smile I'd ever seen her wear, and I just had to kiss her again.

The instant our lips touched, Bella's parted with a soft sigh, and one of her hands moved to the back of my head. She was lying on her back, and she pulled me gently toward her so that one of my legs rested just on top of hers. My hand moved to her waist, and I couldn't help the quiet moan that escaped me when my palm met bare skin. She lifted her head, her lips pressing more firmly against mine in response.

Her other hand came up to rub my back, her fingers tracing light lines up and down as we kissed. My thumb was gently caressing the soft skin of her abdomen when I felt Bella's tongue tentatively touch my bottom lip. I froze for a moment, unsure of what to do.

_Fucking hell._

I decided to do whatever my Bella wanted…of course, that just so happened to be exactly what I wanted as well. I shifted closer to her, deepening our kiss as my tongue lightly brushed hers, and we both moaned softly at the contact. At first, our kiss was hesitant and slow, even a little awkward as we learned to move together in this new way. But before long, I was so fucking absorbed in kissing her…tasting her…learning her. There was no more thought as I gave myself over to the feeling of her slender body pressing against mine, her fingers tangling in my hair, her mouth teasing mine with its sweetness.

Soft sighs and quiet moans punctuated our kiss, and I was elated and excited to realize that Bella was just as lost in this as I was. Wrapping my arm around her waist, I pulled her closer, and she surprised me by shifting us so that she was now lying partially on top of me. I nearly growled as our new position stirred the memory of how so many of my fantasies began, and I couldn't stop myself from helping her move further. Soon, she was lying fully on top of me, one leg between my thighs as both her hands moved to my face. My hands began roaming her back - squeezing, kneading, stroking.

Bella moved again, shifting herself upward to get closer to me. Her hip pressed against my erection, and my hands grasped her hips in response. I felt myself lightly thrust my hips against her and realized suddenly I was getting into very dangerous territory.

_Fuck._

I tilted my head back, moving my lips away from hers as I said, "We should probably go to sleep…" I barely recognized my own voice, breathless and husky as it was.

Bella made a small noise of discontent, but she nodded with a sigh. She placed one last kiss on my chin and shifted off of me with a quiet, "Sorry…" as she looked down at the quilt.

I frowned and reached out, tilting her chin up so I could look her in the eyes. "Why are you sorry?"

She shrugged, and I didn't think she was going to answer at first. Finally, she said, "I didn't mean to umm…well, to…start…that…"

I arched an eyebrow at her. "What do you mean, 'start that'?" I asked gently.

Bella sighed, and her shoulders slumped as she bit her bottom lip and glanced away. "I don't want to make you…frustrated."

I gave a small, disbelieving smile and shook my head. "Bella, please don't _ever_ apologize for lying in bed kissing me…"

She looked back at me but didn't say anything. Her eyes were sad, and I felt a rush of anger at that motherfucker James. He'd fucked up so many things for her – for us, now – and I realized it was time to start having the conversations that would hopefully help straighten it out.

"Sweetheart, believe me…I couldn't be happier than I am right now. I _want_ to take things slowly with you." I couldn't decide exactly what to say – or how much I _should _say, so I left it at that as I watched her.

Her eyes flickered to my crotch, and I felt the instinctual heat on my cheeks, though I tried not to be ashamed.

"Bella?" I asked, and I gave a small smile when she looked at me. I kept my eyes on hers as I said, "Yes…I want you. Badly. And, unfortunately, there's not shit I can do to hide that." I grinned at her, trying to make her see that I really wasn't upset. I knew my cheeks were flushed, but this wasn't about me or my embarrassment. "But just because I want you doesn't mean I'm upset with what we're doing…or not doing. We just kissed for the first time tonight…and it was the fucking best first kiss I've ever had. I'm good with just enjoying that for awhile. Do you understand?"

She stared at me for a moment, biting her bottom lip, and then she finally smiled and nodded. She moved close to me, cuddling against me as she softly kissed my jaw. "I understand, I think. I'm just sort of…confused…about what to do, you know?"

I ran my fingers through her hair as I nodded slowly. "I am too, actually…"

We lay there in silence for a few moments, our breathing returning to normal as we relaxed. At last, Bella's voice asked softly, "The best? Really?"

I chuckled quietly and lifted my head, propping myself on my elbow so that I was looking at her when I said, "Really…by a fucking long shot, too."

She blushed and ducked her head before she looked back up at me with pride in her eyes. I teased her, saying, "What? Was it not yours?"

She rolled her eyes and smacked me on the arm, and it was amazing how much that casual touch affected me. From the first night I'd met her, I'd wanted her to feel free to touch and even hit me like she did Jasper, and now she finally was.

My smile was purely happy, and it just grew when she said, "You know it was…I've never felt anything like what I feel when I kiss you."

Placing another small kiss on my lips, she said, "So umm…have you had a _lot_ of first kisses?"

I knew she was thinking about the conversation at my apartment, and it made my heart ache to have to nod slowly and say, "Yes…I have. More than I like to remember."

_You mean more than you _can_ fucking remember, nasty bastard._

I couldn't even summon the will to argue. It was, unfortunately, too goddamn true.

Bella's brow furrowed as I looked down at her. Her hair was spread all around her, framing her face. She was so beautiful, but that frown – the frown that _I_ put there – marred her features. I wanted to smooth it away and make her smile again, but I wouldn't do it by lying to her.

I could, however, tell her the truth, so I said quietly, "In my entire life, I've had only two first kisses that meant something to me…and nothing could ever come close to the one I just had with you."

Bella watched me for a moment before she finally smiled. She whispered, "Thank you," and rose upward, kissing my cheek.

"Just telling the truth," I answered honestly, and then I remembered what I'd wanted to tell her earlier. It seemed like the perfect time. "And I want to thank you, too…"

She looked up at me curiously. I leaned toward her, kissing her softly. I stayed close, whispering, "Thank you, Bella, for bringing that feeling…that meaning back into my life. I feel alive every time I kiss you…hell, every time I touch you or you smile at me, and I've felt nothing at all for so long now. You give me so much, and you make me so happy, and I just wanted to tell you how grateful I am."

Bella took my hand, lacing her fingers through mine as she kissed my knuckles. Her voice was barely audible when she answered, "That's how you make me feel too, you know…I felt so…dead…for so long. You've made me _feel_ again."

Her words made me feel as though I were floating, so light and happy was I just to help _her_ be happy. For a long time, we lay there sideways on the bed, not talking, just looking at each other as we occasionally touched or kissed. We both seemed to be in that unusual frame of mind where we weren't really thinking, just absorbing all that had been said – and all that had happened.

After awhile, Bella gave a small yawn that triggered my own, and we laughed gently before we rearranged ourselves, settling into the bed beneath the covers. Just like the first night I'd held her, she snuggled close to me, her head on my chest as her leg covered my thigh. We whispered our goodnights before I turned off the lamp, and we shared one final sweet kiss in the darkness before we began to drift off to sleep.

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_**A/N:**__ Just a few more things :) And eek! I apologize in advance for the epic A/N here…_

_First, I'm sorry it's taken me so long to update. Summer vacations wreak havoc on fanfic, but I'm working hard on the next chapter. I'm so sorry, and I hope that when you get the next update, the wait will be worth it!_

_Next, JOotG has been recognized so many times recently, and I am completely blown away! __**AngstGoddess003**__ wrote an article on kisses in fanfiction for **The Lazy, Yet Discerning Ficster** blog, and JOotG won for **Best Chaste Kiss**! The article was awesome – and funny, as always – so check it out if you get a chance. _

_JOotG has also been nominated for the **Bellie **awards in two categories – "**Alice You Wish Was Your Best Friend**" and "**Best Unresolved Sexual Tension (UST)**". I was extremely surprised and honored to see this, and I wanted to thank everyone who nominated this story! Voting will begin on July 15th – be sure to visit their website (I'll throw up a link on my profile) to check out the other nominees and vote on whichever you think should win._

_Also, **Tallulah Remiter** and I recently interviewed each other for the **Perv Pack's Smut Shack**. Lu was fantastic, and we had way too much fun playing with each other. Be sure to stop by if you'd like to learn more about either one of us :)_

_Finally, I am continually stunned by the support and reception this story receives. Chapter 22 of JOotG broke 200 reviews, and I have loved reading each one of them. I'm still working on answering them, but it's definitely getting harder, especially with the vacations and family stuff. Thank you SO much for reading and leaving me your thoughts! If you've not gotten your reply yet, you are not forgotten!_


	5. Witchy Woman Emmett POV

_**A/N:**__ This one-shot can be considered canon "Just One of the Guys." It takes place about two weeks after Thanksgiving, and it is dedicated to the lovely Noel. This is one of the fics she won in the __**Support Stacie Author Auction**__. She bought and paid for the services *grins* of me and __**maganbagan**__, and she requested an Emmett point of view one-shot from me. Hope you enjoy what I chose, sweetie!_

_Oh, lemony stuff ahead. *blushes and hides*_

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**EmPOV**

I navigated my way through the maze of boxes and set down the last one with a grunt.

_Fuck me. I'm going to be sore as hell tomorrow. _

"Nice view." The seductive voice behind me put a cocky grin on my face, and I shook my ass at her before I straightened.

"Like what you see, do ya?" I slapped my ass once, making her laugh before I finally turned around. I took a moment to appreciate the sight of Rosalie sitting on the bar that divided the kitchen from the living room in her new house.

Apparently she'd closed on this house before she left Portland, signing the final papers so she would be all set to move in once she finished her last week of working at the garage there. She planned to settle in Seattle, which was fucking perfect if you asked me. Eventually she wanted to open her own shop here, so she bought a house, determined to live on her own.

I'd have to see what we could do about that particular detail a little later.

She'd taken a shower while I brought in the last of the boxes, and she was perched on the counter now wearing a low-cut, form-fitting black tank top that said, "Portland Import," with a fresh pair of jeans with holes in the knees. I never could predict what she would be wearing, and that was sexy as fuck. Sometimes she'd be all lacy and feminine just perfect for soft kisses, and other times she'd look like she did right now – a little rough around the edges and completely fuckable.

I cleared my throat, grinning at her as I tried my best to control the beast in my pants that was just begging to say hello.

_Soon enough_, I promised.

I was new to this whole relationship and caring thing, and I still wasn't quite sure what to do, to be honest. I was trying that whole take-it-slow shit that Edward kept telling me I should do, but that was painful and frustrating. Still, she was worth it. So if that's what it took to be with her in the long term, that's exactly what I'd do.

I'd ignore the way the hand that had been cupped around her neck was now trailing down her chest, fingers brushing along her cleavage before she rested her hand on her thigh.

_Fuck_.

My eyes were focused on her thighs, so I raised them again, finding her eyes. She smirked at me, and I shrugged.

_Yup, caught me staring. What?_

She lifted her right hand, turning it palm up as she curved her finger, beckoning me forward.

I was in trouble.

Still, I couldn't ignore my Rosie, so my feet carried me to her, and I rested my hands on her thighs just above her knees as I gave her a soft kiss. She smiled and tilted her head, her lips parting mine as she sucked lightly, her tongue brushing mine.

Yeah, that was not at all conducive to the take-it-slow plan, so I broke the kiss as gently as I could and took a step back, putting some space between us. She put her hands on top of mine and said, "Where do you think you're going?"

"I'm gross, baby," I said. "I've been carrying boxes all day…you just took a shower. I don't want to make you all sweaty again, too."

_That is a fucking lie, and you know it._

Truth.

The look on her face told me she was just about to call me on my bullshit, so I gave her the grin she couldn't resist – it showed off my dimples and apparently made me look all angelic and shit, what with the curly hair and all. "Why don't you head back to the hotel? I'll run home and clean up and then meet you over there with some take out. What do you want tonight?"

She arched an eyebrow, not saying a word as she stared at me pointedly.

_Oh. Me?_

_Hell, yes._

_I mean…fuck._

_What the fuck _do_ I mean?_

She laughed softly at the expression on my face, making me realize I looked every bit the dumb jock just then. I could feel my forehead all wrinkled and my lips pursed, and I probably looked like a monkey trying to solve a math problem. She leaned forward, pressing her warm lips against my forehead, cooled from sweating and the breeze from the ceiling fan. I could see straight down her shirt, and my hands slid up her thighs, my thumbs rubbing along her hipbones as I let myself enjoy the view.

_It's only fair. She stared at my ass._

"I have a better idea. Why don't you take a shower here, and we can order a pizza in?"

I again stepped away, moving my hands back to her knees. _How the fuck does she always do that?_ I would think I just sucked at this whole self-control thing after not even really trying to resist my urges for so many years, but there was more there. It wasn't just an I-want-to-fuck thing. It was _Rosalie_. There wasn't anything I _didn't_ want about her.

"Well, I could do that, but I'd just have to put these nasty clothes back on. Unless you wanted me to go nude, of course?" Damn it. That playful shit wasn't going to help me here.

She just grinned at me, tilting her head. "Actually, I thought you might want to clean up, so I picked up some clothes for you when I got lunch earlier." She reached behind her and brought out a pair of black basketball shorts and a yellow t-shirt, handing them to me as she squeezed my hips briefly with her knees. "Now, go shower. Beer's in the fridge, and we'll decide what kind of pizza we want when you're done."

_What the fuck is she up to?_

I was definitely…suspicious. Something didn't add up here.

I took the clothes, shaking them out as I held them up to make sure they'd fit – I wouldn't put it past her to get something too small on purpose. Everything looked good, and I actually really liked the shirt – centered on the chest in black letters was the message, "I'm uncertain about quantum mechanics." I snorted when I read it. I loved that she got my nerdy math and science side so well. To be honest, I don't think any other girl – other than Alice and the girls in my classes, of course – had ever known I was even into math. I smiled at her. "This is fucking perfect. Thanks, babe!"

And then I realized what was missing.

"Hey, you forgot underwear."

"I know." Her eyes were mischievous.

"Alright then." I chuckled as I shifted the clothes to my left hand and leaned in to kiss her once more before I headed toward the shower.

_I'm not responsible for what happens when the beast is untamed._

As I was walking down the hallway, I realized what else was missing – some sort of soap that didn't smell all fruity and flowery like Rose. Don't get me wrong…I fucking _loved_ the way she smelled, but I didn't think it would do a whole lot for me personally. _Meh, not a big deal._ Besides, maybe smelling fruity would help keep her at bay because I had to admit…I was not going to do so well on keeping my distance on my own. I needed help.

I made my way through her bedroom, realizing we had a hell of a lot of unpacking to do. Boxes were stacked all around the room, shoved into corners to leave open spaces. She'd decided to order all-new furniture that was going to be delivered over the next few days. She made no bones about it being new for two reasons – first, she didn't want to have to move all that shit from Portland.

Second, she wanted no reminders of that fucker.

My fists clenched at the mere thought of Royce, and it took all I had not to punch the door frame as I passed through it.

_This is Rosie's fresh start. No reason to waste energy on that asshole._

_Yet._

I flipped on the light in her bathroom and blinked. Somehow, in the time I'd brought in the last quarter or so of the load, she'd turned it into a _bathroom_ already. Everything was pale green and tan and white with a shower curtain covered in large dots. She had a bath mat and matching curtains, and she even had those stupid little soaps shaped like flowers out already.

_She works fast._

I shook my head, dropping my new clothes onto the counter and then reaching in to start the shower. The house was older, and the tub was one of those clawfoot ones. The shower part had been added later, the showerhead sticking out of the tongue-and-groove walls, which had been painted white. Rose said she'd fallen in love with the whole house as soon as she saw it, but that it was the craftsmanship that had sealed the deal for her.

I glanced around, taking in the white wooden shelf with three hooks beneath it, one already holding her sage green robe. I'd seen her wearing that a couple of times, and let me tell you…it fit nicely. Hanging next to it, though, was a much bigger navy blue robe – my favorite color - with gray stripes. I frowned, stepping over as I pulled it down. I looked at the tag – sure enough, it was a men's robe. And just my size too.

_That's…interesting._

I smiled as I hung the robe up again and stripped out of my clothes, leaving them in a pile on the floor. I stepped into the tub, pulling the shower curtain shut around me. Because of the tub, it was on one of those circular rods that always reminded me of Daniel's costume in _The Karate Kid_. I raised my arms and tilted my head back to wet my hair, singing in a falsetto voice, "You're the best! Around! Nothing's gonna ever keep you down!"

By the time I'd made it through the chorus twice, I was soaking wet and paused to look around for some soap and shampoo. At the opposite end from the shower head, a rack was suspended from the curtain rod, filled with different types of body washes and shampoos and God knows what else in little bottles. As I looked them over, I realized there were two different ones labeled, "For Men."

It was then that I understood that Rosalie was welcoming me into her home. It was insane, really. It had been all of a few weeks since we met. But she felt this shit just like I did. There was something there. Something different. It wasn't scary, and it wasn't in question.

It just was.

I didn't usually use body wash – I preferred a bar of soap – but the fact that she'd been thinking of me, picking these out for me just made me feel…_loved. _ That was something we hadn't broached yet. I knew, though, that I was falling in love with her. At least, I thought that was what it was. It had to be.

Smiling, I picked up the first of the bottles and opened it, wrinkling my nose a bit at the apple I could smell in it. _Not for me._ I put it back, grabbing the second instead, and my smile widened as my eyes closed when I breathed in the smell of ginger that always woke me up.

There were two of those poofy shower things hanging from the rack, one green and one blue. I poked the blue one experimentally, and it felt kind of strange. I wasn't sure how the mesh would feel when I washed, but I shrugged, picking it up, too. I turned the bottle around, reading the instructions on the back – first sign that something is too complicated, by the way, when you have to read instructions on how to use your soap.

Wetting the _body sponge_, as the bottle informed me, I poured a _quarter-sized_ drop of the wash onto it and lathered it. I spent a little too long squishing the sponge and watching the slippery soap bubbles cover my hands. After that, I washed quickly. The sponge felt a little weird, but it wasn't too bad, and by the time I was all clean, I loved the way the soap smelled. I rinsed the poofy sponge and hung it up again, pulling down the "For Men" shampoo and washing my hair.

When I stepped out of the shower, I took one of the fluffy towels and dried myself before wrapping it around my waist. Experimentally, I opened one of the drawers beneath the mirror and was greeted with all sorts of makeup. _Definitely not._ I switched to the other side, pulling the drawer open to find a new toothbrush still in the package, a brush, and a stick of my deodorant.

_Gonna have to tease her about being a stalker_, I thought as I put on my deodorant and grinned at myself in the mirror. I ignored the brush – it was pointless while my hair was wet – and instead ran my fingers through my hair, ruffling the curls. I'd hated them growing up…right up until I realized how well they worked for me.

Feeling a lot more human, I put on my new clothes and then tried to figure out what the hell to do with the sweaty ones. Rose had a hamper just beside the sink, but I didn't think it would be a great idea to leave those in there. Instead, I spread them out over the side of the tub, hung up my wet towel on the empty hook, and turned the light off as I made my way back to the hallway.

I wondered if Rose would be unpacking or maybe setting up her TV, so I glanced into the living room, but I didn't see her at first. When I turned my head back to the right, looking toward the kitchen, I stopped in my tracks.

And swallowed.

Hard.

My greeting froze in my throat as my eyes shot downward, all the way to Rosalie's feet before they gradually traveled back up her body. She was sitting on the counter again so I first caught sight of her from the side, but this time…this time there was very little in the way of clothing to be seen.

That sneaky little she-devil had put on a pair of high heels and was sitting with her legs crossed – her tanned, toned, bare legs that were somehow shimmering faintly in the light of the lamp from the living room. One hand rested on her thigh, and she was leaning back on the other, giving me just a glimpse of the side of her ass that I suddenly wanted to bite.

A slender band of red…no, pink…no, red-

_Is your brain shorting out? Who the fuck cares what color it is?_

A slender band of reddish silk was all I could see of the panties resting low on her hips, and I caught a hint of what looked to be some sort of see-through material making up the rest of them.

I'd yet to see Rosalie with so much as her shirt off, and I had to say that the sight before me was fucking _smoking_. Her abdomen was tight and flat but not muscular, just smooth and waiting for my tongue and lips and every other part of me that she would let touch it. Her waist curved inward from the flare of her hips, so narrow that I thought I might be able to wrap my hands around it. I let my eyes move slowly upward.

She was wearing a matching bra, and I licked my lips, swallowing again when I saw the way the little scalloped edges of the cups barely covered her nipples. The deep valley of her cleavage was infuriatingly hidden in shadow, and before I even knew what I was doing, I was stepping toward her to get a closer look.

My gaze continued to travel, taking in the way her full lips were parted as she breathed deeply – lips that were now covered in lipstick that wasn't there before but matched her lingerie. My eyes met hers just as I reached her, and I saw so many things there – love and understanding and appreciation and respect - but what was shining brightest at the moment was…_lust_.

My hands wrapped around her waist, thumbs rubbing against those smooth planes of her abdomen as her legs parted to either side of me and she pulled me closer. She tilted her head, pressing her lips to mine as we kissed hungrily. Her hands roamed my back, moving down to cup my ass and back up to tangle in my hair. We'd kissed before – hell, we'd even made out pretty hard core – but it had always been kisses and mostly innocent touches.

This was something else completely.

My lips made a trail along her jaw and down her throat, my tongue licking at the hollow before it dipped down into that delicious valley between her breasts. My hands drifted lower, pulling her hips closer to me. She wrapped her legs around me, nibbling my earlobe as she whispered breathlessly, "I want you, Emmett."

When I felt the silk of her bra in my right palm, I realized at once what I was doing and straightened, stepping back as I worked to catch my breath and calm myself. "Sorry," I mumbled, turning my head to look at the floor because I knew as soon as I looked back at her, I was done for.

_Fuck. So much for taking it slow._

I'd kept Edward's advice in mind, wanting to make sure I treated Rosalie with respect. I wanted her to know how I felt about her, so I'd been trying to make sure I thought with my mind instead of my dick. I'd been doing so well, too – not even pretending to accidentally touch her breast before this – and suddenly I was about to throw her down on that counter and climb on top of her and-

_Stop. Just fucking stop._

"Sorry," I said again, my voice a little stronger.

"Emmett?" Rose's voice was a little breathless and a lot annoyed. I winced. "Emmett. Look at me."

My eyes lifted at her command, finding her face. She frowned at me, but there was caring there in her eyes. "What's wrong, Em? Why are you stopping?"

I liked that she didn't try to cover herself. She didn't seem to feel self-conscious – thank God; the last thing I wanted was for her to feel rejected because I _definitely_ fucking wanted her.

_This is it._

I'd been waiting for a time to tell Rosalie how I felt – that confusing jumble of emotions that seemed to come with being around her – and I didn't think I'd find a better time. Clearing my throat, I put my hands back on her knees and was looking in her eyes when I said, "I'm falling in love with you, Rosie – and I _really_ don't want to fuck it up. It's too good."

Her eyes widened as her lips parted in surprise. She smiled at me then, her lips curving sweetly as she reached up, linking her hands behind my neck. Her legs had fallen from my waist when I stepped back, but I felt her feet behind my knees, urging me forward. I took a small step toward her, and she whispered, "I'm falling in love with you, too, Emmett. I never knew it could be like this…"

I felt my wide smile as she tilted her head up, and I had to lean down to kiss her. I mean, fuck, we'd just said we were falling in love. A kiss was damn well in order, right? Our lips parted as we kissed softly and sweetly, but when I pulled away, she gave a playful growl and said, "That's why I need you. Right now."

Her ankles locked behind my thighs, and the speed with which she'd acted left me bewildered. I heard my moronic voice say, "But Edward said to take it slow."

She laughed quietly and teased me, saying, "Do you always do what Edward tells you to?"

For a moment, visions of Hello Kitty passed through my mind before I shook my head. "Hell, no."

"Good," she answered, tightening her legs around me so that her ass slid forward on the counter, and I could feel the heat between her thighs. She spread her hand over the back of my head, forcing me to bend toward her. "Because, right now, I need you to _stop_ fucking thinking about Edward and start thinking about all the things I want to do to you."

A half-second was all it took for me to contemplate what was happening. What was the point of taking it slow if neither of us wanted that? She knew how I felt. I knew how she felt. And now I'd show her.

_Game on._

A smile flitted across my lips as they met Rosalie's, and my hands reached behind her back, my fingers running lightly across the line where her bra strap met her skin. I waited until her hips were moving on the counter, writhing impatiently from my teasing, before I finally unhooked her bra. I lowered the straps down her arms, never breaking our kiss, before I pressed both my palms against the smooth, soft skin of her back and closed the space between us.

When her hardened nipples met my chest, I groaned and broke our kiss, my lips moving to find that tempting flesh that had just been uncovered. I teased her nipple with my tongue and teeth, my hand cupping her full breast, and then I finally just had to fucking look. I straightened up and took a small step back, and she dropped her legs again, her feet dangling by my knees. I took in the sight before me – my Rosalie uncovered for the first time.

I was frozen; the only parts of me in motion were my thumbs rubbing small circles on her inner thighs. I'd been with women – a _lot_ of women – but I'd never been rendered useless by one until I saw her there. It wasn't just the sight of her fucking _perfect_ body or the fact that there was a beautiful, nearly nude woman in front of me, telling me she wanted me. It was the way I _knew_ her.

I could tell you that her birthday was in August and her middle name was Lillian. I knew that she hated being told she couldn't do something because she was a woman. She'd told me the story of when she broke Jasper's nose in fourth grade because he threatened to tell some boy named Tyler that she liked him. And those things were just the beginning of what I would, someday, know about her.

But more than that, it was the way she knew me. She was looking at me with those amazing blue eyes filled with knowledge and love and understanding – which was pretty fucking amazing, considering what a fuck up I'd been until very recently.

"God damn, Rosie…"

She smiled at me and whispered huskily, "Not that I mind you staring, since you seem to like what you see, but are you going to just stand there all day or are you going to fucking _do_ something?"

As soon as the last word was out of her mouth, my lips were on hers. Our kisses were slower, more sensual than before as our hands began to roam freely for the first time. We gave ourselves over to the discovery of each others' bodies, lips and fingertips teasing and worshipping as our quiet moans filled the room.

I kissed every inch of skin I could reach, relishing the taste and soft texture of her body. As my mouth again found her nipple, she tilted her head back, her lips parting with a soft sigh as her right hand drifted downward. I inhaled sharply when she cupped my throbbing cock. She rubbed gently, her hand teasing as it moved slowly. Then she wrapped her fingers around me through the thin fabric, and there was no doubt at all: every bit of this - the shower, the clothes, all of it - had been a set up.

And that was fucking hot as hell.

I had to break away, my knees feeling weak as my head hung down, my chin near my chest as Rosie stroked me. The soft, silky fabric of the shorts moved along my dick, adding to the exquisite sensation of her hands on me.

"Fuck me." My voice was a rough growl that was still somehow breathless.

Rosalie's breath tickled my ear as she whispered, "I think that's my line."

_God damn_.

I wasn't going to last long at all with her talking and rubbing me the way she was, never mind that I'd been with more women than I could remember. She turned me on in ways I never knew existed. I pulled her hand away, covering it with my own as I moved it to the counter beside her.

I pressed against her, kissing her until she was panting, and then I murmured, "Lie back, Rosie."

As we parted, she looked into my eyes, and I saw the trust on her face. I kissed her once more, and she flashed me a smile, running the back of her hand along my cock and making my eyes roll back in my head as my hips bucked against her. When I opened my eyes again, she was stretched out on the counter, one leg bent with her knee pointing toward the ceiling.

I stepped closer to her, returning my lips to hers as my hand cupped her breast, kneading gently as I brushed across her nipple with my thumb. Gradually, my fingers moved down her abdomen before running along the waist of her panties teasingly. Her hips lifted, and I smiled against her lips, finally slipping my hand between her thighs. I kept my fingers together, rubbing her through the thin layer of silk, and her head arched back, breaking our kiss.

I straightened, mesmerized by the sight of her this way – her lips parted, her tongue wetting her bottom lip as her eyes closed, her chest heaving.

_So fucking beautiful._

I needed more, and the plaintive whimpers escaping her told me she did as well, so I leaned down, kissing her throat as my hand moved beneath the fabric of her panties. I rubbed her once as I had been, and then I slipped my middle finger deeper. She gasped, turning her head to the side as I moaned when I felt the wetness gathered there.

"Can I taste you, baby?" The words were out of my mouth before I'd even thought of them. To be honest, that wasn't something that had ever really appealed to me. I mean, yes, I did it – I wasn't an asshole. But it wasn't something I was ever just _dying_ to do.

Until then.

"Please," was her whispered reply.

I bent over her to place a soft kiss on her lips, but her hand lifted, her fingers tangling in my hair as she held me close. She kissed me passionately, her hips moving against my hand in a steady rhythm that I mimicked with my fingers, caressing as I was rewarded with the sound of her soft moans and the feel of her teeth teasing my lip.

At last, she let me go, and I smiled down at her before kissing my way down her body. I moved to the end of the counter and ran my hands up her legs slowly, my lips following the trail my hands blazed as I made my way from her left ankle…over that toned calf…tickling her behind the knee and making her squirm…kissing up her inner thigh…and finally, finally I placed a heated kiss on that sweet junction between her thighs, and she hissed when I ran my tongue along her center, only that thin silk between us.

That silk that needed to go.

When my fingers grabbed at the fabric on her hips, she lifted them automatically, making it easy for me to slide her underwear down her legs. It fell to the floor somewhere as my hands returned to her hips, and I pulled gently, guiding her closer. Her legs were bent, knees parted as her feet settled on either side of my shoulders. I just had time to register that my Rosalie was beautiful _all_ over before I lowered my head, placing soft kisses all around the place I knew she wanted me to touch most.

She made a small noise of impatience that made me smile before I finally conceded, teasing her with my tongue. For the first time ever, I paid attention, taking in the whole experience. I found that I really enjoyed the slightly musky scent of her arousal, the sweet taste of her on my tongue. The way she was writhing under my touch was a fucking turn on, and my right hand made its way into my shorts, wrapping around my rigid length as I stroked myself slowly. Pre-cum was all over the inside of my shorts, making a fucking mess, but I couldn't care less as I worked to bring pleasure to both of us.

Rose's fingers were in my hair, pulling and scratching my scalp as she directed me. Instead of being annoyed, I realized it was goddamn sexy that she knew what she wanted and wasn't afraid to let me know. She was making the most seductive noises as my tongue slipped within her, and I moved my left thumb to her clit, rubbing gently. She bucked her hips, nearly pulling my hair out as she moaned, "Yes…"

Her hips moved with me, pressing closer as I followed her guidance and increased my speed, tongue and thumb meeting as her movements grew more erratic. Soon, she was moving too quickly, and I had to back away, my thumb rubbing furiously as she grew suddenly still, her knees moving closer together. Her hand fell away from my head as both her hands clenched into fists beside her hips, which she shifted downward just slightly.

At once, she shuddered, calling out, "Oh, fuck!" I watched her shoulders lift from the counter as she curled inward, her hand catching mine and holding it in place before she fell back on the granite once more, panting and then drawing a shaky breath.

Seeing her fall apart like that was amazing, and I know I had a cocky grin on my face when she turned her head to find me. Her breathing was still uneven, and she licked her parched lips before she whispered, "Emmett. I need you…come _here_."

Instead, I took both her hands and pulled her up. She moved to the end of the counter, and her legs parted around me again as she kissed me feverishly. Her hands slid down my sides, moving to push my shorts off my hips, but I stopped her, grabbing the front of them.

Her brow furrowed, and her voice was a little stronger when she said, "Emmett, please."

"No," I murmured, kissing along her shoulder.

She pulled my head back to look me in the eyes, but before she could say anything, I pressed my lips against hers. She didn't respond, so when I pulled away, I said quietly, "Not like this."

I opened my eyes to find her frowning at me, clearly unhappy. "Why not?" There was a faint tremor in her voice that had me rubbing my hands along her thighs soothingly.

"Oh, you're going to get what you want…don't you worry," I began, pausing to kiss her. This time, I didn't take no for an answer, parting her lips with mine and kissing her deeply. When I pulled away, I looked her in the eyes and said, "But I'm not going to fuck you on the kitchen counter. Yet."

Her eyes widened and grew mischievous, taking on that smoldering quality that made my dick twitch in my shorts. I flashed her my dimples, smiling at her as I picked her up. She gave a small squeal of surprise and wrapped her arms around my shoulders. I carried her into the bedroom and set her down on her feet, looking around as I muttered, "Now where the _fuck_ is the box with the blankets…?"

She cleared her throat, and I glanced over my shoulder to find her arching an eyebrow, holding the end of a patchwork quilt. I didn't even stop to wonder if that shit had been planned, too. I just grabbed the blanket and spread it out.

I ripped my shirt off over my head, grinning broadly when I saw the way her eyes traveled slowly up and down my body. She swallowed as I walked toward her, taking her hand and pulling her down on the quilt with me. She was lying on her back as I hovered over her, kissing and caressing and fondling as I relished the feel of her body pressed against mine, nothing between us now but my shorts.

"Fuck!" My head snapped up as I cursed.

"What is it?" Rosalie asked in confusion, her hand cupping my cheek.

"I don't have a motherfucking condom!" I raked my fingers through my hair in frustration. I'd stopped carrying them to help avoid temptation.

I expected a sigh, a groan, a pout – _some_ sign of disappointment, so I frowned when she _laughed_ instead. Of course, I should've known.

"Check the bag." She lifted her chin, indicating that I should look behind me.

"You are one dangerous woman when you want something…you know that?" I tickled her and laughed when she squirmed, nearly fucking giddy that she really had thought of everything. Rolling away from her, I reached for the brown paper bag just a few feet away and pulled out the first box I felt inside.

Yes, the _first_ box I felt.

I shook my head, chuckling. Apparently Ms. Hale had plans for me. A hell of a lot of plans.

Little did she know, I had plans for her, too.

I opened the box and shook the condoms onto the floor. I guess I was taking too long because all of a sudden, I felt her slap my ass lightly. I glanced over my shoulder and found her lying on her side, propped up on her elbow as she smirked at me.

_Oh. My. Fuck._

Yeah, I really was taking too long. I ripped off a few of the condoms and rolled back over, dropping them onto the blanket beside us. She arched an eyebrow, and I just grinned wickedly.

_That's right. We're not sleeping tonight._

She bit her bottom lip as a smile spread across her face, and she reached out to put a hand on my hip, pulling me closer as she scooted toward me. Her leg slid between mine, and we were a tangle of lips and limbs and sighs and moans before she finally leaned back and began pushing my shorts down.

"These need to go," she whispered huskily, and I lifted my hips awkwardly, trying to get the accursed things off. Finally, between the two of us, we managed to get them pushed down to my ankles, and I kicked them away, hearing them hit one of the boxes.

I went to put my arms back around her, but she disappeared, her hands on my hips pressing me onto my back while her hair tickled my abdomen.

_Wait…is she?_

_Oh, fuck yes._

I inhaled sharply as I felt warm lips slip over the head of my aching cock, her tongue teasing my slit. "Fucking hell, Rose." My voice was a mess of hisses and curses and moans as she released my head, running her tongue all the way down the ridge to my balls. My knees spread involuntarily, and as she licked and sucked, she moved between my legs, her nails digging into my thighs.

I ran my fingers through her hair, continually lifting my head to watch the seductive sight of my cock disappearing between Rosalie's full lips before I would drop back to the floor again. I murmured words of encouragement and appreciation between my grunts and groans as she used her lips and tongue and teeth to drive me toward madness.

She wrapped one hand around the base of my cock, matching the rhythm of her lips as her other hand tugged on my balls, rolling them gently. I felt them begin to tighten, the tension spreading from my thighs and belly, concentrating in my groin. It took everything I had to put both hands on her cheeks and pull her tenderly away with a whispered, "Stop…stop, Rosie…"

Her lips were parted as she lifted away, giving me a confident, seductive smirk as she crawled over me. Her knees settled on each side of my waist as she leaned down, kissing me while I felt her heat on my abdomen, so temptingly close to my dick. I raised my head, deepening our kiss as my hands encouraged her to move beside me.

We shifted, and soon I was hovering over her, my fingers exploring that warm, wet heaven between her thighs again as I propped myself up and looked down at her. She bit her bottom lip, her eyes half-closed as she moved her hips slowly against me. I kissed her tenderly, and when I pulled back, she was watching me. Giving her a soft smile, I whispered, "Are you sure, Rosie?"

She watched me for a moment, and I saw several emotions pass through her eyes. I could tell she considered several responses from sarcastic to sweet, but when she spoke, it was only one word. "Completely."

I couldn't resist her lying there, gazing up at me with just a hint of a of a loving smile on her lips. I shifted again, moving between her legs, and I loved the way she brought her knees up and squeezed them gently against my hips. My lips met hers, and our kisses now were slow, reverent – never had I experienced that with anyone other than Rosalie.

She rocked her hips, and I hissed, breaking our kiss as I felt her wetness spread near the base of my dick. "Fuck, Rose…"

Her hands roamed down my back, grabbing my ass and pulling me closer as she murmured, "Emmett, _please_."

"Whatever you want, baby," I whispered against her lips as my right hand reached out, fumbling on the blanket until my fingers finally closed on the condoms. I sat up, resting on my heels, and she took my cock in hand, stroking slowly as I ripped open one of the packages. The sun had begun to set in the time that we'd spent kissing and caressing and exploring each other so that now, there was only dim light brightening the room. Our forms were bathed in shadow, but it did nothing to diminish the awe I felt when I looked at Rosalie lying beneath me.

"Let me." Her voice was pitched lower, making my dick twitch as she took the condom from me and my hands fell uselessly to my sides. I watched her pinch the tip and place it on my head, making me inhale sharply when her nimble fingers rolled the condom all the way down. Her tongue slowly licked along her lips as she let her hand drift down, cupping my balls as she pulled gently, making me moan.

"My turn," I growled, and her smile broadened as she moved both her arms to my shoulders, palms splayed against my skin as her fingernails scratched me lightly. There was no big production, no whispered words. There was only my Rosalie and me, looking into each other's eyes as I reached down, guiding myself carefully inside her.

Her teeth bit into her bottom lip, and I kept my eyes open as long as I could before they rolled back in my head when I felt her completely surrounding me. It had been so long since I'd taken anything slowly like this, and I could feel everything – the gentle squeeze when she tensed her muscles, the heat radiating along my length, her slick moisture gathering on my balls.

I lowered my body onto hers, moaning quietly as I felt her soft skin against mine, her breasts pressing against my chest. I supported my weight on my elbows, moving my forearms beneath her as my fingers gripped her shoulders. We began to move together, our hips finding a slow, steady rhythm as our breath came in sharp gasps and whispered groans.

One of her arms wrapped around my waist while the other snaked up my back, crossing my shoulder blade as her fingers ran through my hair. I turned my face to hers, and we kissed, tongues and lips expressing this new, unbelievable love that was growing between us. I thrust more deeply, and she groaned, turning her head as she whispered my name. My lips didn't stop, simply moving to kiss along her cheek, her ear, her temple.

I knew then. I felt it without a doubt. And she needed to know, too.

I'd thought I'd be nervous, but there were no jitters to be found as I murmured, "I love you, Rosalie."

I felt her cheek lift as she smiled, and she turned her face to mine, whispering her devotion in return. I smiled at her, our faces inches apart as our eyes met, our hips never pausing in their movements. When she lifted her legs, wrapping them around me, I kissed her again, and I felt her heels pressing against my ass, my thrusts quickening in response.

Soon, I was panting, both my breathing and the movement of my hips becoming erratic. I tried to slow, but her hands slipped down, and I felt the bite of her nails as she bucked her hips against me. She nibbled along my jaw, and I raised my head, my eyes squeezed shut as I tried hard to hold off my release. It wasn't happening, though – everything just felt _too_ fucking good, and I embraced it, thrusting deep within her with a grunt as my world exploded.

My hips moved instinctively, slowing but keeping up that delicious friction as I rode out my orgasm. I shuddered as I was suddenly too sensitive, and I reached between us with my left hand, pulling out carefully before I practically collapsed on top of her. I managed to keep most of my weight off of her, but I laid there with my head hanging down, struggling to catch my breath and remember how to fucking _think_ clearly.

I felt Rosalie's fingers in my hair, and I brought my lips to hers, kissing her tenderly as I moved to lie beside her. My hand drifted over her abdomen, brushing against the junction between her thighs.

Her soft voice was a confused whisper. "What are you doing?"

With my mind clearing a bit, I was able to answer almost coherently, though my own voice was a weird grunting murmur. "You didn't, did you?"

Her brow furrowed, confusion on her face until she felt my finger slide between her folds, and she inhaled sharply. "Fuck..."

Smiling at her obvious enthusiasm, I took her response as confirmation that she had, in fact, not had another orgasm, and I set out to change that. There was going to be a mess on the quilt as I hadn't taken care of the condom yet, but fuck that – quilts could be washed. I was more concerned with making sure she felt good.

My lips kissed and teased her upper body, finding breasts and nipples and that sweet spot beneath her ear as my fingers worked to give her as much pleasure as possible, rubbing and gliding and slipping within that beautiful recess that had just brought _me_ so much satisfaction.

Her hips were lifting, moving as she silently directed my hand, and I smiled as I began to learn some of her favorite spots. When I brushed her clit a particular way, she froze, hissing as she bit her bottom lip, and her knees shifted toward each other.

_Oh hell yes…she likes that shit._

I'd stopped kissing her, my left hand idly teasing her nipple as I watched her face in amazement, thoroughly enjoying myself as I saw her reaction. I let her show me what she wanted through her tiny gestures and facial expressions, noticing when she got that look of intense concentration. Soon her hips were bucking, meeting my hand, and then she tensed, her lips parting as her body shook.

A smile flitted across my lips as I watched her settle back on the quilt, my hand still moving slowly before she reached out, grabbing my wrist and holding it completely still. I chuckled, and a ghost of smile formed on her lips before she finally opened her eyes to look at me.

"Too much…" She gave a quiet laugh as I rolled onto my back, raising my arm over my head and staring at the darkness of the ceiling with a stupid smile on my face.

I made a small noise of contentment when she immediately rolled toward me, resting her head on my chest with her arm draped along my waist. I shook my head in disbelief, letting out a laugh of my own.

"What?" she whispered.

"Well, that sure as hell wasn't what I thought I'd be doing tonight…"

"Are you complaining?" she teased, fingers tickling my ribs.

Chuckling, I said, "No, not at all…just a little stunned. I figured it was me and my hand again tonight."

She snickered at me, but then she nibbled my earlobe and murmured huskily, "Yeah, my hand has been getting a bit of a workout too. Not to mention other…things…"

My eyes widened, my face turning toward her though I couldn't see her clearly in the darkened room. "Yeah?" She nodded, and I could just make out that wicked little smile on her face. "You know you can't say something like that and then not show me."

"Oh, I plan to…trust me. You've got half an hour, McCarty, and then it's _my_ turn."

_Fuck me. I'm in trouble._

"Bring it, Hale. I'm not afraid of you."

She threw back her head and laughed, and then her lips were on me again, kissing my shoulder and neck before she whispered, "29 minutes…"

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_**A/N:**__ I hope you enjoyed this, the first of a few JOotG outtakes that I'll be publishing from the __**Support Stacie Author Auction**__. Thank you __**so**__ much, __**Noel**__, for your donation! You blew me away :)_


	6. One Fainting Robin

_**A/N: **__Today is Reader Appreciation Day in the fandom, and I wanted to do a little something JOotG related to let you all know how much I love, adore, and appreciate every one of you. I am hard at work on the chapter, and I'd hoped to have it ready to publish today, but it's just not quite there yet. It is getting close though, I swear._

_I hope that in the meantime you will accept my humble offering of a few drabbles from Mama Hale's POV. Special thanks to __**naelany**__ for providing the prompts and encouraging me and to __**EchoesofTwilight**__ and __**AHizelm**__ for being amazing people and kick ass pre-readers. _

_The title for this chapter is from an Emily Dickinson poem:_

_If I can stop one heart from breaking,  
I shall not live in vain; __  
If I can ease one life the aching, __  
Or cool one pain, __  
Or help one fainting robin__  
Unto his nest again, __  
I shall not live in vain._

_----------_

**Caroline's POV**

**Storm**

All it takes is one phone call.

That ringing that shatters the silence, disturbs the calm, rips through a household, leaving it in shambles like a shack standing in the path of a tornado.

Our phone call comes on an unremarkable day. Cookies are baking in the oven, and I hope that the fragrance of cinnamon and sugar will bring my son out of the dark mood he's been in ever since Bella returned to Phoenix after Halloween.

He hasn't come snooping around, though.

A ringing.

"Hale residence."

_"Caroline..."_ Charlie's voice breaks, and my heavy heart jumps into my throat. _"Caroline, it's Bella..."_

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**Fire **

I stand there looking at her, this almost daughter of mine who has been a part of our family since we found our home in Forks. She is broken, barely recognizable through the gauze and plaster, and I feel my smoldering rage lapping at my fingertips.

Jasper breaks down, his weight heavy against my side, and my arm reaches up automatically, stroking his back, soothing him, but I feel no relief.

Something in me is dying, being consumed by wrathful flames, and I want to scream.

But I don't.

I hold my son and I hold her hand and I hold it all inside.

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**Crumble**

He blows up, railing at his sister again. She wasn't there; she doesn't understand. She didn't see...

All words he throws at her time and again, words that sting and nettle her, provoking a reaction.

Bouts of shouting followed by moody silences, and I step in. He can't keep doing this, can't keep trying so hard to do something that no boy of seventeen can handle without help.

When I tell him he needs to step back, his rebuke is a dagger to my heart.

He doesn't understand.

I adore Bella, but _he_ is my son. There is no choice for me to make.

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**Reach**

"Charlie! I'm so glad you could make it." I hold open the door, and he steps into the room, his boots squeaking on the hardwood floors and rain dripping from his hair.

His eyes - Bella's eyes - are haunted, filled with ghosts of horrors I can't even fully understand.

_If it was Rosalie..._

I swallow, shaking my head and shoving the thought away. To calm myself, I take his coat, breathing shallowly as I lead him to the kitchen.

There, we sit. Two cups of hot tea warm our hands.

I sigh, and his sorrowful eyes meet my gaze. "Talk to me, Charlie..."

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**Pride**

The cast is gone, her scars are fading, but when the pan clatters in the sink, she jumps. My eyes sting, and I turn my face, blinking away my tears.

I bustle around the kitchen, doing my best to pretend this is just a normal day, but that's not my Bella.

My Bella talks. She sings. She embraces me with abandon.

She is gone.

"Mama Hale?"

I am so stunned at the sound of her voice that I gasp and spin. She watches me with tears in her eyes, and her arms open tentatively.

I scoop her up, hold her tightly. "My Bella..."

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_**A/N:**__ I truly hope you all enjoyed this little glimpse into Mama Hale's world. I am doing my damndest to have the next JOotG chapter out to you this week, and I can't thank you enough for your support – or your patience! I have the best readers in the world._


	7. Measureless Oceans of Space

_**A/N:**__ These five drabbles are from Charlie's point of view, giving a little insight into the Dad of JOotG. They were written for my dear friend, __**Little Miss Whitlock**__, for her birthday. I hope you all enjoy them!_

_My dearest Melward, I wanted to do something for your birthday, so I wrote you these little drabbles from Charlie's POV. I wish I could do so much more – like drive down there and kidnap you for…well, forever, but since I can't, I suppose these will have to do. I love and adore you, and I hope you have a day that's as amazing as you are!_

_Love and snuddles,_

_Jensper_

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**Charlie POV**

**Precious**

_One... two…_

My hands shake as I reach out, counting Bella's fingers much as I did the day she was born. It's stupid. Pointless.

_Three..._

But I can't seem to stop.

_Four… five…_

Anything is better than really looking at her, seeing all the plaster and gauze. I'd rather see the image in my mind – a tiny, red-faced infant wrapped in a pink blanket, screaming bloody murder.

_Six…_

I feel myself smiling, remembering that little baby, so tiny, so precious.

_Seven… eight…_

And now so broken. My smile crumbles.

_Nine…_

Renee's hand covers mine, but my fingers still reach.

_Ten_.

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**Trust**

I load the last of the boxes in the back of Bella's truck, and rust flakes fall to the ground when I slam the tailgate. I stick my thumbs in the back pockets of my jeans and close my eyes, just breathing for a minute.

_How can I let her move so far away?_

I grunt as a punch lands on my shoulder, and I open my eyes to find Jasper watching me.

"I know, Chief. I won't let anything happen to her." His eyes darken dangerously, and he swallows.

We watch each other in silence. I nod.

"I know."

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**Sanctity**

The click of the reel is soothing as it spins, drowning out all the worrying I normally do. I can't stand it – can't stand wondering if she's okay, why she hasn't called, why _Jasper_ hasn't called.

So I come here. I cast. I wait. I watch.

And when there are no bites, I reel in the line and do it all again.

The birds are singing while the wind blows, reminding me that it's spring again – the fourth spring since Bella's attack, the second since she moved away.

I feel a tugging, see the line tighten. I smile.

_Thank you._

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**Steady**

Popping the top on my beer, I take a long pull and wait for my dinner to warm. The scent of lasagna fills the air – the last of what Bella froze when she was here for Christmas break.

The microwave beeps. I put my can down and open the door, reaching for my plate.

"Son of a bitch!" I suck on the pad of my thumb and then shake my hand as I reach for a pot holder.

_Every damn night_.

But I smile as I sit on the couch. The phone rings.

_Every Saturday._

"Hey, Bells! How's it going?"

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**Trepidation**

For the first time ever, I am not looking forward to Thanksgiving dinner at Caroline's.

That's not entirely true. I _was_… until Bella called with her news.

"_Dad, I'm bringing Edward. I… I think you should meet him."_

Those six little words have my fingers gripping the steering wheel of my cruiser so tightly that my knuckles are white.

I want her to find someone – I do.

But… not now.

Why does it have to be so confusing? Can't she just be my little girl in pigtails with Band-Aids on her skinned knees?

I pull into the driveway and park.

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_**A/N:**__ The title for this chapter is taken from "A Noiseless, Patient Spider" by Walt Whitman. I thought it fit Charlie well :)_


	8. My Life's Blood

_**A/N:**__ When I learned that it was __**magan bagan's**__ birthday, I _had_ to do something! Happy birthday, lovely! Since I know you like "Just One of the Guys," I thought you might enjoy a few drabbles in Edward's POV. This is essentially the current time in the story, though I do give hints of what's coming up in the next chapter. I hope you have a fantastic day full of all the things you love! *mwah*_

_Thanks so much to __**naelany**__ for providing the prompts and POV and to __**ahizelm**__, __**EchoesOfTwilight**__, and __**naelany**__ for betaing!_

_The title comes from a line in John Donne's "Song: Sweetest Love, I Do Not Go" - the poem Edward left for Bella in JOotG chapter 28.  
_

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**Faith**

"She's fine, Edward." Alice's voice holds a hint of exasperation mixed with understanding. She nudges my shoulder with her own and then sighs, pressing her head back against the seat as she looks up at the plane's overhead bin.

"How do you know?" My own voice is gruff. I'm having a harder time leaving than I expected… and I had known it was going to be difficult.

Alice plays with a silver pendant on her necklace, a wistful smile on her lips. "I just do." She turns to look at me earnestly. "Jasper and I love her, too, you know."

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**Release**

I loosen my tie as I take my seat at the piano bench. I feel eyes on me. I know that my parents' guests are watching expectantly, but I don't care.

This is mine.

It has always been mine alone.

My eyes close as I run my fingers along the keys, the ivory worn into smooth indentations that fit my fingertips perfectly. My hands are deft and nimble, drawing ethereal music from the earthly wood and wires.

Brown eyes hover before me as I play, and the tension that has knotted my chest since I said goodbye to her relaxes.

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**Shiver**

The scalding water rolls down my skin as my palm presses against the cool tile. My head hangs down, water dripping from the tip of my nose.

My hand strokes my hard length as images of Bella fill my mind, eddying in my thoughts the way steam swirls in my panting breath. My eyes drift closed as I feel her lips against mine, her knees on either side of my hips as she straddles me.

Bella rocking… writhing… whimpering…

I gasp, a growl rumbling in my chest as a bead of cool sweat rolls down my neck, making me shiver.

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**Awe**

I swallow thickly as I press the button to end the call, my cell phone falling from my hand as I flop back on the bed. My hand rests low on my abdomen while I stare at the ceiling.

I don't see it.

I don't see anything. I still hear Bella's tentative voice as she whispered what she wanted, still feel my shock as I went along with it.

How could I?

How could I _not_?

With a disbelieving chuckle, I move one hand under my head and lick my lips, completely amazed at how hard she's trying… for me.

----------

**Cold**

Rolling onto my side, I pull the quilt over my shoulder, nestling it under my chin. It is ancient, made with the thick batting my grandmother sewed into it along with her love. It has never failed to make me feel warm and safe.

Until now.

I sigh in exhaustion as I close my eyes, determined to fall asleep. I have been tossing and turning for hours. I miss Bella. I miss her warmth and her comfort. I miss the way my body curves around hers. I miss the little noises she makes as she drifts off.

I feel empty.


	9. That'll Be the Day

_**A/N:**__ This story is so long overdue, it's kind of scary. Thank you SO much to __**IngenueFic**__ for her generous donation to the __**Support Stacie **__author auction, which resulted in this glimpse into Bella before Edward. Twin, you are wonderful and amazing and the most incredibly patient person I have ever met. I am so glad you enjoyed this story and wanted me to share it with others. You are fantastic – ILY!_

_As far as this story goes, this is set about three years before current __**JOotG**__ time. IngenueFic picked up on a line just before Bella and Edward kissed for the first time when Bella tells Edward that she tried to feel something for one of the guys. She asked me who and how and all those questions, and this is the result. Hope you all enjoy it! _

_The next chapter of JOotG will be up just as soon as possible, I promise. Life has been hitting me so hard for so long now, though, that I'm afraid to promise a date. Just know that I'm working on it, and I love these characters completely. Thanks so much!_

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* * *

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**BPOV – Three Years Ago**

I swiveled on my stool, listening to the buzz of the tattoo needle as I looked down at the scuffed toes of my Docs.

"B? You alright?" Embry's voice held that familiar edge of worry that I'd come to expect from my guys whenever I was quiet for too long.

I sighed, fixing a smile on my face as I looked up and nodded. "I'm fine, Em. Was just thinking I need some new boots."

A bright grin spread across his face, and I felt my fake smile become genuine. I was sitting a few feet away from Embry, who was getting his latest tattoo – a tribal piece that already covered his biceps – from his favorite artist.

Her name was Heidi, and she was a petite inked girl with jet black hair that had green highlights. There were a few slender braids scattered in her hair, which was cut kind of jagged around her face while the back reached just below her shoulders. Being around her made me feel incredibly insecure, like I was all wrong.

It wasn't like she was flaunting herself or trying to make me feel uncomfortable. On the contrary, she was extremely sweet, and she talked and joked and sang as she worked. She'd brought out Cokes for both me and Em from the employee refrigerator, and she always greeted us by name.

And all that just made it worse.

She was everything I couldn't be, and I hated her a little bit for that. That irrational emotion made me feel like a complete bitch, and the vicious cycle just repeated itself endlessly.

To stop that circular train of thought, I bit my bottom lip and studied her instead. She was wearing a fitted purple tank top with spaghetti straps above black skinny jeans that rested low on her hips. She was sitting on a stool just like mine, and as she leaned forward to ink Embry's shoulder, the tank top rode up while her pants slipped down, revealing a tattoo on her back that I'd never seen before.

I was intrigued by the intricate colorful design on her lower back. It wasn't a tramp stamp or anything like that – I could see only a small part of it, but I could tell that it must cover a good portion of her back. I tilted my head, trying to figure out what it was, but all I could see was what looked like a snake and legs from the knee down. Something about it was familiar, tickling the edge of my memory, but I couldn't place it.

I was frowning when my eyes slipped back to Embry, and I caught him looking at me as well. I smiled a little shyly, suddenly unsure why I felt a strange sense of pride that he was watching me.

"What is it, B?" The feeling dissipated immediately at the sound of his amused voice, and I shook my head.

"Must've been daydreaming."

He chuckled. "I know you've gotta be bored. I warned you, though. This shit'll take awhile…she still has to go all the way up my neck." He shifted, his arm crossing his body as he reached into the opposite pocket to grab his keys. "Why don't you go get something to eat? Maybe visit the comic shop? We'll still be here when you get back."

Heidi laughed softly, nodding her agreement. "Oh, you're mine for a while yet…" She gave a half-grin as she leaned in closer, carefully following the movement of the needle with her eyes.

"I'm not bored," I answered automatically, but then I blinked when I realized that it was true. I was actually enjoying myself in a weird way, unlikely though it seemed. He grinned again, flashing his white teeth against his dark skin, and I felt a jolt as I saw how handsome Embry really was.

I felt a familiar, sickening churning in my stomach at the thought, but he was just so easy-going. Laid back. Calming. In so many ways, he was like Jasper – he could make me relax and laugh when I was on the brink of a breakdown. But there were other ways he _wasn't_ like Jasper at all. I studied him, surprised when I felt a sense of…longing…for the first time.

_Wait._

_Am I…?_

_No way._

_But do I think…?_

_No. Fucking. Way._

I frowned at myself, determined to at least _think_ this shit.

_Am I attracted to Embry?_

I felt my heart hammering in my chest at the mere thought, and I wanted to growl. I couldn't believe that I would be so close to a panic attack over one of my guys. This was Embry, for fuck's sake. _Embry_. Aside from Jasper and Felix, there was no one I trusted more.

I returned my eyes to the familiar, comforting scuffed toes of my boots as I concentrated on breathing evenly.

_In._

_Out._

_In._

_Out._

I fixed Jasper's face in my mind, remembering how strong his hand was wrapped around mine and the way he always smiled and called me "silly girl." After a few minutes, the panicky feeling passed, and I looked at Embry again. He didn't say anything, and he was carefully looking away, but I saw the tightness around his eyes and the way his jaw was clenched, and I knew that he had seen my brief struggle.

I felt a faint sense of pride again – this time because I had stopped myself before I had a full-blown panic attack. I was getting better at that. It had been a few weeks since my last one, even though I'd had some near-misses like that one.

What frustrated me most, though, was that the triggers were still so varied. They weren't random, by any means. I knew what would set me off. It was just that there were so many things that could.

I sighed, pushing it all away as I instead thought about the last week. Usually, Jasper and I rode together to Forks for Christmas, but this year, he'd stayed back for a few days to spend some time with Maria while she had time off of work. The guys had come to visit us in Seattle and had left on the twenty-first. I knew the apartment would be empty and boring – and probably vaguely frightening – while Jasper was busy, so I'd just ridden back with Embry when he headed home to La Push.

That was two days ago. Jasper wouldn't get here until tomorrow, so I'd all but glued myself to Embry when I wasn't hanging out with my dad at his place. Since Charlie spent a lot of his time at work or with his friends Harry and Billy, Embry had been stuck with me a lot.

We'd eaten a ton of pizza and watched movies with Quil and Jake. The guys had convinced me to run a couple of smaller gaming sessions, so we'd played some D&D. Today, it was just me and Embry, though.

I smiled when I heard him joking with Heidi, and I tried my best to join in. For the most part, I sat there in relative quiet as I watched her tattoo his neck. Sweat broke out along his forehead, and I found myself tilting my head as I watched him reach up to brush it away.

I was afraid to think of what it might mean that I liked the way his arm looked when he did that. It was too close to what had caused my earlier panic, and I kept my breathing shallow and my thoughts light as I studied him.

The rest of the session went that way. I'd admire something about Embry, come close to panicking, and carefully back my thoughts away until my breathing was regular and I felt almost calm again. Then it would start all over. I noticed that each time, it seemed to get a tiny bit easier. It was really a minuscule amount, but any change was progress.

By the time Heidi finished and bandaged Embry up, he looked like he'd been attacked by some wild animal. The gauze covered half his neck, one shoulder, and that whole upper arm all the way to his elbow. I stood to the side as he paid for his tattoo, shifting my weight from foot to foot as I glanced at the people who'd come in while we were in her booth.

I swallowed when I realized that I'd have to walk right past one guy to get out. He was sitting in the waiting area next to the door with his ankle propped on his knee. He was leaning back, reading a magazine, but I couldn't shake the feeling that he was…aware of me. Not watching, obviously, but that he knew I was there.

I realized it was probably ridiculous and vain, but I'd had thoughts I believed were ridiculous before, and they'd turned out to be horribly accurate.

Before I could work myself into a frenzy, Embry walked up beside me. He was moving slowly, with the air of someone approaching a dangerous, cornered animal. I wanted to sigh and thank him all at the same time.

"Hey, B? You ready to go?" he said quietly.

I saw the questions he didn't ask in his eyes and nodded. I tried to square my shoulders and couldn't, so I settled for brushing my hair back from my face.

"I'm here," he whispered under his breath, and I gave a tiny smile when he took my hand.

He'd guessed what was bothering me because he walked on my right and just a little ahead of me, putting himself between me and the guy we had to pass. The man looked up, his eyes glancing over both of us with disinterest, and Embry nodded a hello. The stranger nodded in return and went straight back to his magazine.

I felt my cheeks burning and knew I was blushing, but I was so goddamn relieved that I really couldn't be bothered with caring. Embry went through the door first and stepped to the side, holding it open for me.

A gust of wind sent paper skittering along the ground, making a weird scraping noise that sent a shiver up my spine. I zipped up my jacket and shoved my hands into the pockets. Embry grinned at me and shook his head as he reached into his pocket.

He pulled out a scarf and took a careful step toward me, waiting until I nodded. Then he wrapped it loosely around my neck and said, "Always prepared."

He stepped back with a wink while I rolled my eyes at him. I did feel warmer instantly, though, and it didn't hurt that the scarf smelled like him. We walked toward his truck with our heads down against the wind. My eyes scanned my surroundings constantly, and I looked back over my shoulder once or twice when I felt particularly uneasy.

I was glad that Embry was a few steps ahead of me. There was nothing worse than the look of pity I sometimes got from the guys.

_Sure there is. It's worse to know there's a legitimate reason for the pity._

I grimaced at the sidewalk, darker thoughts surfacing even though I tried to push them back. I inhaled deeply, taking in Embry's scent of wood smoke and mint mixed with his laundry detergent. It relaxed me, and I felt my shoulders drop a little as I followed him.

The cab of his truck was a sanctuary, a place where I could relax as I unzipped my jacket and leaned back against the seat. He hopped into the driver's seat and grinned at me, his head turning awkwardly because of the pull of the tape against his skin.

I laughed at him, which just made him grin wider. His radio was as ancient as his truck, and it still had one of those turn dials just like mine. He left it tuned to an oldies station, and we sang along with Chuck Berry and Little Richard as he drove us back to La Push from Port Angeles.

I turned a little sideways in my seat, smiling quietly as he belted at the top of his lungs, "You say you're gonna leave; you know it's a lie 'cause that'll be the da-ay-ay when I die."

He was so relaxed as he drove, so calm and confident, that it was easy for me to pretend I felt the same. Knowing that _he _was in control gave me the feeling that I was in some weird way. So I sat back, watching him and taking in his facial expressions as he sang. I forced myself to realize – and appreciate – that he really was beautiful.

I normally avoided looking at my guys that way. They were safe because they weren't really men to me, but something made me want to see Embry as a man…want to see if maybe there was something there.

I couldn't keep that up all the way back to La Push, though, so I let it go for a while. We sang together and talked here and there, mostly about my school and his work. It was easy, just like always, and I found myself wishing once again that life could just be like _this_ – that I didn't have to worry and cringe and face the outside world.

When we were pulling into the reservation, Embry said, "So J's coming in tomorrow?"

I nodded. It wasn't like him to arrive so late, but he knew better than to miss the big Christmas Eve dinner at the Hale house. Afterward, we'd each open one gift and sit around the fireplace, telling stories and drinking hot chocolate. "Yeah, he's supposed to come in tomorrow morning. I'm heading over there later tonight, though."

I filled Embry in a little more on my plans. He knew I always spent the night before Christmas Eve at Jasper's house, where he, Rose, and I had a sleepover of sorts. This year it would be just me and Rose, although Royce would be in the house as well.

"So you wanna hang out and watch a movie since you have a little while?" Embry asked as he pulled up to his house. My battered old truck – nearly a twin to his – was parked in his gravel driveway, but I didn't feel like heading back home just yet. It was early enough, and Charlie would likely be out fishing still, so I nodded.

He flashed me his easy smile and said, "Sweet." He cut the engine and hopped out of the truck, and before I could even climb all the way down, he was helping me to the ground. He teased me about not wanting to make a trip to the emergency room, and I swatted at him, grumbling under my breath despite my smile.

Embry still lived with his mom to help her out, but she wasn't at home. He was an only child, and his mom had never married. I knew he worried about her being all alone. I followed behind him as he unlocked the door and went inside. We hung up our coats on the pegs in the hallway, and he called out, "Hey, B, what do you want to drink?" as he started toward the kitchen.

I told him I'd have a Coke and took a few seconds to stand in the hallway and just…breathe. I took longer than necessary rolling up Embry's scarf and putting it back in his jacket pocket. I felt a little unsettled for some reason, and I didn't know if it was the change in location or because a plan was slowly starting to form in my mind.

It was one I really didn't even want to think about, but it was there.

_Am I _really_ thinking about kissing Embry?_

I closed my eyes, reaching out to grab the door frame as images flooded my mind.

_Blue eyes. Pain. Breaking. Rough hands. Rage. _

I gasped, trying to force the memories away before they became too _real_. The last thing I wanted was to end up a useless pile in the entryway. The sound of the refrigerator door closing made me jump, but I was grateful for the reminder of what was real – what was happening around me.

I ran my fingers through my hair and half turned away from the kitchen door, hiding my face just as Embry came walking back in. "You okay, Bells?" I could hear the concern in his voice, but I knew from experience that all I had to do was nod and duck my head, and he'd drop it.

So that's exactly what I did. I cursed myself for being a chicken as I followed behind him, keeping the heels of his Chucks in my line of sight. He sat on one end of the couch, and I took the other, my breathing and heartbeat still erratic.

He popped the top on my can and handed it to me. I could see the tightness around his eyes, but there was nothing I could do to reassure him, so I sipped my drink as he stood up again and went to pick a movie. I watched from the corner of my eye as he leaned over, studying his DVD titles. I felt a strange sense of longing, but I couldn't quite tell if it was for Embry or just for feeling…normal. For not being this fucked up version of myself.

I wondered if there was really any difference between the two things anymore.

Embry slipped the disc into the player and fiddled with the TV, turning it on and getting things set up before he grabbed the remote. As he walked back toward me, he raised his eyebrows in question. I thought for a moment and then nodded.

His smile widened, and when he sat down at the other end of the couch, I scooted close. He put his arm around me, and I rested my head on his shoulder. I giggled when I saw the opening for _The Princess Bride_, and I felt him smile against the top of my head.

I draped my arm over his waist, and we sat in comfortable silence for a while, just watching the movie. It was one of my favorites, and I'd made him watch it so many times that he knew all the lines.

Eventually he lowered his arm between us, taking my hand instead. I shifted away from him a little bit and kept glancing at him out of the corner of my eye. Every once in a while, the corner of his lips lifted like he knew, but he never said anything.

He made me chuckle when he said the lines of the rhyming game ahead of Fezzik and Inigo, but when it got to Buttercup's dream, I turned toward him expectantly. His smile broadened as he sort of folded in on himself, holding up one crooked finger, pointing at me.

"Bow to the Queen of Slime, the Queen of Filth, the Queen of Puuutrescence," he croaked.

I dissolved into giggles at the sight of him, but he just kept leaning in, saying, "Boo!" over and over. When I laughed again and pushed him away, he caught my hand and pulled me closer. I didn't settle back against him, though.

Instead, I stayed where I was, our faces inches apart as we looked at each other. There was no sort of expression on his face, nothing I could read in his eyes, and my heart began to beat rapidly as I tried to figure out what I wanted to do at that moment. I recognized that this was my chance…but did I really want to take it?

I waited for the blind panic to strike me at the thought of kissing Embry, but…it didn't. I was intensely anxious, nervous well past the point of normal, I was sure, but I wasn't breaking down – and it didn't seem like I was going to.

I stared at him for too long because finally his forehead wrinkled, and he said, "You okay, B?"

I let out a shaky breath and nodded, deciding on the spot that I didn't want to try it. I didn't want to kiss Embry. But I knew, at least, that it wasn't because I _couldn't_.

I was torn between frustration and elation, and I probably had a pretty goofy smile on my face when I said, "Yeah, I'm alright."

I realized then that I was still way too close to him. Blushing, I backed away, turning to the TV again. I bit my bottom lip, wishing that Jasper was here so I could tell him about my breakthrough. Thinking about the expression on Jasper's face when I told him I'd thought about kissing Embry made me giggle again – at a completely inappropriate time.

Embry just shook his head and squeezed my hand, murmuring, "Silly Bella."

As I tried to focus on the movie again, I began to wish more and more that I could just _feel_ something for him. He was attractive, I knew that. Obviously I felt safe with him, as evidenced by his hand around mine and the fact that I'd nearly kissed him.

Why couldn't that be enough?

My excitement faded as the movie wore on. I became more and more upset by the fact that I felt some sort of void where attraction and excitement and possibility should be. By the time the grandfather read the final lines, I needed to get out of there.

Embry turned the DVD player off and then looked at me. "Talk to me, B."

I shook my head, shrugging, and he sighed, reaching out to rub my upper arms. I squeezed my eyes shut as he pulled me in for a hug. My face burrowed into the crook of his neck as I fought the tears I knew I couldn't explain, not to him, not then. He just let me sit there in silence.

I had never been more grateful – or more frustrated – at the way the guys just let me be when I acted irrationally like that. But, really, how could I have explained? I couldn't have told him that I'd just tried to feel something more for him than the friendship he'd so freely given to me over the years. That it wasn't enough that he was handsome and funny and willing to put up with my random bouts of crazy.

That I was scared as hell that maybe that part of me was missing now. Maybe it was taken away, and I would never get it back.

The thought made me shudder, and I clung to him, my fingertips digging into his skin. A sob broke free at last, and I cried as he held me, scared of so much that I couldn't even put into words – not the least of which was how crazy I really _was_ if watching a cult comedy with one of my best friends could reduce me to _this_.

Embry's strong hand rubbed my back soothingly as he rocked us on the couch. I felt his lips pressed against the crown of my head from time to time, and I thought he was whispering words, but I couldn't hear them over the sound of my own shaky breathing. Gradually, I began to calm, became more aware of my surroundings and better able to put myself back together again.

Once I felt a little stronger, I sat back, wiping my eyes with the heels of my palms. I ignored the spreading wet spot on Embry's shoulder just like I ignored the look of pity in his eyes that he tried to hide.

I _hated_ that fucking look.

We walked to the door together, and he stood there in silence as I put my coat on. His hands were in his pockets, and I could see the way they were balled into fists. I wanted to tell him it was okay, but I just couldn't.

Instead, I hugged him, and he kissed my cheek, moving to stand in the doorway. As soon as I walked away, I felt the hair on the back of my neck rising, and I clenched my jaw, trying to resist the urge to turn around and make _sure_ he was back there, safely against the door. I automatically listened closely, trying to hear any footsteps other than my own, but all I heard was the sound of my own ragged breath and my heart beating in my ears.

I practically ran the last few steps and spun around to find Embry standing in the doorway. One shoulder was leaned against the frame, and his arms were crossed over his chest. From the way he was studiously looking out to the right at…nothing, I knew he'd seen me break at the end.

He didn't say anything, though. I saw his chest rise with a heavy breath, but he waited until I was in the cab of my truck before he moved at all. Then, he pushed away from the door and raised his hand, waving at me. I managed a half-smile and waved back before turning the key in the ignition.

My truck rumbled to life with a roar, and I gripped the steering wheel tightly, taking a few deep breaths before putting it into reverse. I just caught sight of Embry pulling his cell phone from his pocket before I backed out of the driveway to the crunching of gravel.

I wondered who he was calling – if maybe he was calling Jake or Quil to let them know how weird I was. Maybe he was calling Jasper.

_Or, you know, maybe he's calling someone to go hang out._

_His life doesn't revolve around you._

I ran my fingers through my hair, nodding to myself as I checked the rear-view mirror. Before long, I was on my way back to Forks with the radio playing softly. Noises – even the grumbling of my truck – seemed too loud, too grating on my nerves, but I couldn't stand the way my thoughts gathered oppressively without the music to distract me.

_What the fuck was I thinking?_

Whether I'd done anything or not, just the idea of kissing Embry, of trying to change our relationship, had me on edge. I'd completely warped my perspective of him today, and I wasn't quite sure what I thought of him anymore. He was still safe to me, but it was different, changed by the potential of something more – something that would never happen now, I was sure.

That thought left me thoroughly depressed. I knew, logically speaking, that Embry was my best chance at some sort of normal relationship. If I couldn't feel anything for him, the other guys didn't stand a chance.

And, way too fucking obviously, I didn't feel anything for Embry.

Angrily, I wiped away more tears I hadn't been aware were falling. I was miserable and lonely, and there was only one place I wanted to be – sitting on my couch in my apartment with Jasper at my side.

But I was stuck here, in Forks, and Jasper was home in Seattle for one more night.

When I turned onto the street where Charlie lived, I was seriously considering driving the nearly four hours it would take to get there just to see him, even though it would mean driving right back in the morning. The only thing that stopped me was the realization that he would be there with Maria…

…and the sight of Jasper's truck parked in Charlie's driveway.

"No fucking way," I whispered under my breath, almost afraid to acknowledge it any louder.

I blinked, but it was still sitting there, right beside Charlie's cruiser.

I gave a strangled little squeal and slammed the truck in park, my depression turning immediately to excitement as I jumped out of the cab and raced into the house.

"Jasper?" I called out, but it was Charlie's face that appeared in the doorway of the kitchen.

"Well, I missed you, too," he grumbled, but I saw the way his eyes crinkled like he was trying not to smile.

"Hi, Dad," I said, giving him a small smile before I looked over his shoulder. Jasper came around the corner then, frowning as soon as he saw me.

The look he gave me told me that we'd be talking – soon – but he gave me a chance to make small talk and escape Charlie. I couldn't tell if my dad realized I'd been crying, but he didn't ask. He was probably just glad Jasper was there to deal with it.

The whole time we talked, I felt jittery, like I was just on the edge of control, and it was torture to make it through those few minutes without breaking down. The ironic thing was that some of my nerves were from pure relief.

Before long, Charlie disappeared into the living room to watch TV. I heard the _Sports Center_ theme song as Jasper took my hand and led me down the hallway to my room. He closed the door and then pulled me into a hug, sighing quietly as he just held me for a while. I was the one to pull back, squeezing him tightly before letting go and lifting my head.

"Hey, silly girl," he said quietly with a sad little smile.

"Hey, Jazz…" I looked him over carefully, taking in the dark circles under his eyes and the rumpled clothes. His hair was standing up all over the place, the way it did when he ran his fingers through it constantly.

"What are you doing here?" I asked just as he said, "What happened to you?"

He gave a half-smile then, one corner of his lips lifting. "I broke up with Maria."

"I tried to kiss Embry," I said, right on top of his words. "Wait…what?" I shook my head, frowning at him in confusion. "What happened?"

He shrugged and moved to sit on my bed, leaning against the headboard. I kicked off my shoes and settled in beside him, turning my face toward him expectantly. He made a face and shrugged.

"You know how she is and how she's been hinting about getting married…" I nodded but bit my lip, struggling not to say anything. "Well, it got worse. She practically moved in while you were gone, and she just…" He trailed off, swallowing as he shook his head. "Anyway, she finally _told_ me that she expected an engagement ring for Christmas, and I just sort of lost it."

"Oh my god…" I blinked. That was out of line, even for Maria. "What did you say?"

"I told her I wasn't ready to get married." His eyes focused on his bare feet, which he crossed as he folded his hands in his lap. "And I said that if I _did_ ask her to marry me, it would be when I damn well wanted, not because she told me I had to."

"I bet that didn't go over well."

His smile was wry, maybe a little bitter, as he gave a short laugh. "No, it didn't. It just got worse from there, and finally I told her it was over." He broke off abruptly, frowning and furrowing his brow as he picked at his thumbnail.

When I didn't say anything else for a while, he looked up at me. His face was just a little too innocent, and I narrowed my eyes at him. "What aren't you telling me?"

He wrinkled his nose at me, sighing as he looked away again. "Nothing."

"Jasper Whitlock Hale, I swear to _god_..."

He held up his hands and said, "Alright, alright…jesus, Bella…" He grumbled under his breath and then puffed out his cheeks as he exhaled heavily. When he looked up again, his blue eyes were weighted with sadness as they met mine. "She accused… she said…" He sighed. "She thought it was because of you."

I swallowed hard, sitting back against the headboard and turning my face away. I had no answer for that. _I_ knew the truth, obviously, but I hated the thought of Jasper being hurt because of his friendship with me. Hadn't he been through enough just with dealing with me?

My eyes began to sting, but then I felt the warmth of Jasper's hand wrap around mine. "Don't you dare," he said lowly. I shook my head, and he squeezed my hand. "I know what you're thinking, Bella, and you better just stop it right now."

My throat felt too tight, almost swollen, and I couldn't force any words through. Jasper shifted around, stretching his right arm across my legs and propping himself up on it so that his face was right in front of mine.

"Bella, you're my best friend. That's not even negotiable. You have been since we were _eight _years old, and if… if things had been different, you would've done exactly the same thing for me. So just stop this shit right now. I'm never going to stop caring about you or stop spending time with you, and whoever I end up with is going to get that."

I wet my lips, working to control the shuddering in my shoulders as I tried to breathe. Jasper's words warmed me, even as the need for them tore at my chest. The truth was I was scared to death to lose him. I knew that we couldn't stay this way forever – it wasn't fair to him – but I didn't know what would happen to me when _we_ changed. It was just made worse by knowing that, if I asked him to, Jasper would give that chance up.

I couldn't ask that of him.

Not ever.

But that didn't mean I had to look forward to losing him.

Jasper sighed, reaching out to tuck my hair behind my ear. "Look, Maria just wasn't the one for me, okay? There were too many things we argued about. We were just too…different. It didn't have anything to do with you. I promise."

I nodded, pulling the sleeves of my shirt down over my hands as I drew my legs to my chest and wrapped my arms around my knees.

"I really didn't like who I was when I was with her, Bells. It was like I was stressed _all_ the time. Just…" He shrugged, and I nodded again. I'd noticed the changes in him when she was around.

We sat in silence for a time, and then he gave me a small smile. "So anyway, I decided I didn't want to spend another night alone in our apartment, so I came out here to surprise you."

I managed a small grin. "It worked." The enormity of my afternoon came crashing down on me then, and I reached out, hugging him fiercely. "I'm _so_ glad you're here…"

He hesitated for a moment and then patted my back, holding me close. "I'm glad I'm here, too…" He pulled away, kissing my temple, and then looked at me pointedly. "So I explained what happened with Maria…what the hell do you mean, you tried to kiss Embry?"

I could tell from the restraint in his voice that it had taken a lot for him to let me ask about Maria first. There would be no hiding anything from him now.

I licked my lips nervously, hugging my knees once more. "Umm…well, that's sort of what I mean?"

He rolled his eyes. "You're going to have to do better than that."

We stared at each other in silence until, finally, I lost. "Ugh!" I grumbled, dropping my arms to my sides as I leaned against the headboard. Jasper handed me a pillow, and I held onto it as I told him all about the last few days – the time I spent with Embry, the way I began to try to look at him differently…all of it.

When I told him what happened earlier that day, he kept the frown off his face, but I could see his concern in the way his blue eyes darkened. He waited until I wound down on my own before he said, "What did Embry do?"

A smile tried to form on my lips when I heard the subtle malice in his voice. I knew without a doubt that Jasper would've kicked his ass if he'd reacted the wrong way. "Nothing. I don't even know if he knew…" My voice became strangled, and I cleared my throat before I finished, "If he knew what I was trying to do."

"But you didn't?"

I shook my head. "No, it's…it was just so weird, Jazz. I think I _could_ have, but it was like something was missing, you know? Kind of like when… ahh…"

His cheeks flushed, and he nodded quickly. "Right."

I took his hand, lacing my fingers through his. I could feel my own cheeks burning, but I really hoped he knew how much I appreciated the experimenting he'd done with me, no matter how awkward it was.

"You handled it okay, though?" he said gruffly.

I thought about the question carefully before nodding. "Yeah, I guess. I mean as far as… as far as _that_ goes."

I squeezed my eyes shut, refusing to let the memories in, struggling to maintain control. When my breathing became more even and less ragged, I opened my eyes again. "I got upset afterward. Just because…" I shrugged, biting my bottom lip.

"That's a lot to absorb at once, Bells. It makes sense."

I nodded, grateful as always that I didn't have to explain every little thing to Jasper. We sat there for nearly an hour, talking about Embry and all the things that had happened since the last time we saw each other. Eventually, the conversation turned to lighter things like Embry's new tattoo, and I grinned as I said, "Maybe you need to meet Heidi."

"Who's Heidi?"

"Embry's tattoo artist. She's pretty cute."

"She is, huh?" He eyed me thoughtfully and then grinned. "Maybe I _do _need to meet this Heidi…"

His eyes were playful, light, and I laughed as I reached over, tickling him until he squirmed and kicked. He growled, "That's it!"

Suddenly, his fingers were at my ribs, and I squealed, calling a truce. He pushed himself up on his elbow with a smug smile, and I felt my own smile become more genuine. Somehow, I knew what he always said was right…

It would be okay. _I_ would be okay.

How could I not with Jasper for a best friend?


	10. Wide Pathless Way JPOV for victoriajane

_**A/N:**__ These drabbles are written for __**victoriajane**__ who requested Jasper's point of view around the time of the First Beach photos. Thank you __**so**__ much for your contribution during __**Fandom Gives Back**__ and for your incredible patience. You are amazing :) I really hope this is something like what you had in mind. I do warn you that Jasper's mind was a dark place for a time… Enjoy!_

_Thank you so much to **EchoesOfTwilight**, **kimberlycullen10**, **naelany**, and **theladyingrey42** for being fantastic betas and pre-readers. Love you ladies :)_

_The title is from John Milton's "Il Penseroso" and just struck me as very Jasper at this time of his life.  
_

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-Salt-**

I tasted the brine in the air as I licked my lips, my eyes never straying far from Bella. This was the first time she'd really ventured outside with a group since she came home from Phoenix, and I was expecting her to bolt any minute.

So far, she hadn't.

But she walked with her hands in jacket pockets, her head down. Her eyes darted around, never settling in one spot for long, and she jumped at every sound.

I closed my eyes, swallowing hard as I fought back… everything. Rage. Sorrow. Absolute confusion.

_How the hell did this happen?_

**-Breeze-**

The wind whipped along the shore as we tossed the football Jake brought. It was half-hearted, though, on all our parts. We kept glancing over at the girl sitting alone on the driftwood trunk.

One by one, we dropped away. Embry was the first to go, throwing the football to Felix and then just trotting off. He settled on another log not far from Bella and stuffed his hands in his pockets, leaning forward and talking to her with a smile.

My protective streak surged, and my feet carried me straight to her, even though I knew Embry was safe.

**-Furtive-**

As the day warmed, Bella's spirits seemed to lift a little. She watched with amusement when Quil made fun of Embry, and as soon as the guys noticed, they became clowns. They insulted and pushed each other, putting on a show almost like they would for a little kid.

I moved to sit beside her when Felix threw Jake over his shoulder and started marching toward the ocean. Bella laughed.

It was a hollow sound, almost like she'd forgotten how, but she _laughed_.

I winked at her, slipping my arm around her shoulders. "You doing okay, Bells?"

She smiled tentatively.

**-Hand-**

Eventually Bella took off her jacket, warming her hands over the bonfire the guys built. We sat around, eating hotdogs and trying to joke, but we were more subdued than usual.

No one brought up why.

Jake hovered close to Bella, helping her with her food and nudging her shoulder from time to time. She managed weak smiles for him.

When Quil pulled out his camera, Felix struck a pose, throwing a made-up gang symbol and crossing his arms over his chest.

Bella giggled quietly, drawing us like moths to the flame, but our smiles faded before Quil's camera clicked.

**-Brood-**

Weeks passed, then months, with no sign of change in Bella beyond the fact that she talked a little more.

To me.

She wouldn't talk to anyone else – not her father, her therapist, our other friends.

I was grateful that she spoke to me, at least, but it wasn't about anything real.

I found myself clenching my jaw whenever she spoke, barely keeping a tight rein on my temper until she was gone. Our friendship deteriorated into nothing more than me fighting a losing battle to control myself.

Every time I looked at her, I saw a shell. Hollow. Fragile.

**-Unravel-**

I lay flat on my back on the hardwood floor. For weeks, I'd been avoiding sleep, trying to ward off nightmares that were sure to come as soon as I closed my eyes.

I was exhausted.

Broken.

Helpless.

I felt tears rolling across my temples and was powerless to stop them. I didn't want to. I didn't care.

They pooled in the crevices of my ears as my shoulders began to shake and my breath came in shuddering gasps.

I wondered if I had the strength to end it all.

I knew I didn't have the strength to go on.

**-Comfort-**

My mattress sank with someone's weight, and I groaned. I'd finally given up, crawling into bed rather than acting on my darker thoughts. Once I was asleep, I wanted to stay that way.

"Talk to me, Jasper," Rosalie's soft voice said.

I sighed.

Rosalie was a lot of things, but soft wasn't one of them.

I rolled over to tell her off, but all I saw on her face was concern. I fell apart.

Before I knew it, I was shaking, sobbing, holding tightly to her.

"You have to talk to someone, Jazz," she whispered. "You can't do this alone."

**-Venom-**

"…such bullshit."

The sound of Jessica's voice from around the corner grated on me, and I started to tune her out like always. It stung to watch her become such a frigid bitch after being so close to her for all those years.

Sure enough, Lauren's voice joined hers. "You know he just dumped her because she was such a lousy fuck."

"Totally. She made all that shit up."

"Probably trying to get in Jasper's pants."

An uncomfortable certainty grew between my shoulder blades, and I turned the corner just as Jessica said, "Definitely. Bella's such a lying little whore."

**-Fury-**

I had time to see Jessica's eyes fly wide before my fist connected with the wall beside her head. I heard a sickening crunch, and the pain fueled my wrath.

"What the _fuck_ did you just say?" I snarled.

Jessica was already trying to escape, backing away with a whimper before grabbing Lauren and fleeing down the hall.

I let my arm drop and stood there, head hanging down, as I worked to control my breathing. A distant part of me couldn't believe I'd almost hit her while the rest screamed that I should've.

"Hey, man," Felix murmured. "You okay?"

**-Crackle-**

Bella climbed into bed while I turned on the closet light, knowing she wouldn't be able to sleep otherwise. When I slipped beneath the sheet, she cuddled close.

"I heard what you did," she said simply.

"Yeah?" I answered uncertainly.

"Yeah," she said. "Thanks."

"You're welcome, Bells." I kissed her forehead, letting my eyes flutter closed.

All was silent and still, and I felt myself drifting off. Bella brought me back, whispering, "You really believe me, Jazz?"

"I absolutely do," I said gruffly.

I could hear change in her muffled sob, fissures spreading along her armor as she repeated, "Thanks."

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A/N:**__ Several of you have PM'd or tweeted or contacted me in various ways to ask if I am planning to finish JOotG. The answer is absolutely yes. I am spending NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) fulfilling my fanfic obligations from auctions and the like so that I can then focus solely on my ongoing fics. I really appreciate your patience and your concern – and all the support and love you've given me :)_


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